Hi world!!!!!! 😀 😉 ❤
How are you folks? I just come home from competition in judo! Everything hurt me a little(finger on my left leg id totally swollen), But that’s normal if you train judo. 😉 It was ok, I was on second place. Result is good, but…. My fights just weren’t like i want them to be.
Sometimes judo was for me the best kind of meditation. On competitions I don’t have really problems whit stage fright. I can let that go. When I fought, I just didn’t think. I only foloweed my feelings. I didn’t think. I didn’t ever aware myself. Maybe is sounds strange, but that’s the truth. After fight others had to tell me what did I done. ‘Cause I just didn’t remember. I belived in myself, because I knew I can win, I knew that I am good. Consequently I had kinda good results. I was brave and confident.
But now is not like that anymore. I am afraid and confused. At first I didn’t know why, but I think now I finally know. I am not gonna repeat it again I already wrote about my big flaw in ‘My story’. If you didn’t read it: In past, I was angry and jelaus and sad and everything, everything, everything, on my friend(let’s call her Tina), because she won on competition in writhing whit my idea. This throw on me shadows. And this is one of them. I had feeling that I dream about something I am never gonna get, ’cause I am not good enouf anymore.
When I didn’t do something like I liked to, I get panic attack. And when that happened, I feel terrible. I just can’t breath. I can’t say anything. I totally freeze. I just cry and scream. Everything is shaking and my head is sooooo full, but empty to, in the same time.
This is not my first blog. I already wrote on slovenian page for blogs in my language. After I start writing that blog, my problems seemed to be the past. But….They are not. Shadows stayed. I know, I know, it was stupid that I felt so sad, ’cause of sooo stupid thing. It was my fault to worry about that. Well, I didn’t have panic attack for very long time, since now.
Since now. It was today, on competition. I had I fight and… I did a mistake. And that…. It happened again.The panic attack. I was CRYING, there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT…. I was screaming…. I looked crazy, I guess. In the end(you couldn’t belive) I won this fight, but it wasn’t ok. And I disappointment myself again. I thought that panic attack are the past.
Please, don’t understand me wrong. I am not depressed. It’s all about shadows from past that are hunting me….
You already know Amber and Summer, girls I train judo with. But there is another girl, I’ll call her Jessica. Today I told Jessica about my problems, flaws. blog…Just not about panic attacks. I allow her to read that. So Jessica, if you are reading this, I am sorry, ’cause I didn’t tell you about panic attacks. I am sorry, ok? I just don’t want people to worry about me.
But if panic attack come to my head again, I AM JUST NOT GONNA WORRY ABOUT IT!!!!!! I will let it be, and it will go away.
‘CAUSE I AM NOT CRAZY, DEPRESSED AND LOST GIRL AFRAID OF HERSELF ANYMORE: I AM GONNA JUMP OVER MY FEARS! 🙂
Cause I know that this shadows are not forever. I am gonna let them go.
-Flower in rainy day