Hello, my lovely folks!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ Omg, you just can’t know how much I missed you all!!!! :’) I am so happy, that I am here again! 🙂 😀 Week whitout you was for me a thousend years long….. Like you know, I was on skiing holidays, but more about it tomorow. In Saturday, I was on judo competition(again). We staied there for two days and I came home ten minutes ago. So, I am gonna talk about what happened on competition…..
Last week I was writing about my panic attacks. About something that was caughting me and I didn’t know how to get trough it. This weekend…. I didn’t fall like that. I clear my head, full of thoughts. I was concentrating. I had stage fright, but not besacuse i am gonna fight whit one girl. I had stage fright, ’cause I knew, that I am going to fight whit myself even more. But luckily, let that go too.
And this is how I fought. Proudly. I can be kind and sweet, but when I fight on judo competitions, I am totally different. This is why I have good results. My fiends say, that I am on fire, when I fight. That I have flames in my eyes. Because of my problems, I nearly lose that. I nearly lost my fire. But now it is coming back, I feel it. And I show that to. I lost last fight, but I was sick for two weeks before that, I was in kinda bad condition. But I think that was the best fight. In first one, I was little sleepy, ’cause I had to wake up really early. Second was better, the last was the best, even if I lost it. I n last fight, I felt like before. Before.
Like I said before, we stayed there after competition, we had trainnings. It was veeeeery hard, I am totally crashed right now, but I am already accustomed…. 😉 Well, in the end of one trainining I start crying. Don’t understand me wrong. I am not a person who is gonna cry, ’cause of pain or fatigue. It was because….
I hate mess. I always have everything tidy and clean. On my desk, books need to be straight on it. I want to have everything under control. I am perfectionist. And for me, there is no good enough. It is just fail or success. No kind of OK, just perfect or inperfect. And that is annoying. Why? Let’s return to judo. On trainings I want to have perfect fights. I want to do everything right. I so, so, so, so want that… But that don’t matter. More and more I want that, More bad I am. More inperfect. And this is why I was crying. Because I want to be perfect, but I am not. I know that that is very stupid, but I am who I am, right? I can’t just say ‘I am not gonna be perfectionist anymore!!!!’, because I am always gonna be perfectionist.
The only thing I can do is that I try to learn how to live whit that.
When I am gonna be sad, cause I am not perfect, I don’t wanna people to think that I am poor, weak girl, lost in herself. I don’t want people to pity me, even if I am crying, even if I am screaming. I just don’t want that, ok? I have to slove some things on my own, I don’t always need others to help me.
Well, now I am gonna sleep… 😉
I love u all ❤ ❤ ❤ 😀
-Flower in rainy day