14-years old girl. From small country Slovenia.
I was a happy child. my parents always said that. Whatever they said to me I just laughed and said:’Yessss!!!!!.’ Also, I was bullied a lot by other kids before i came to school. I had friends, but you know, they weren’t my…best friends. They didn’t ever had time for me. I only had Johann. I have so many memories on our friendship. How we were climbing on a tree and I fell off. How we build an igloo every winter. How we had a snowball fight and I threw snow ball into his face and he started crying. How we were eating cake together…..
I meet Ananya when I was 6. How scared she was, when I first saw her. How I said to her:’Come on, let’s plaaaaaay!!!’ How she taught me how to draw harts. How we became best friends.
I remember teacher we had in third class. She was yelling at me because I was bad at maths. But than well…. We were small, but we already had competitions in writing. She wanted me to go, but I didn’t wanted. When competition ended she said to me that….that I should go. She said that….I can’t do some things other kids can. But she also said that I can’t do things others can’t. She said that I can write good about feelings. And even if i will always be angry because she was yelling at me, like all other teachers I will always remember her as someone who gave me….a start.
It was 3.3.2015. my 13th birthday. We were eating lunch at school than our teacher for Slovene came to our table…. And said:’Congrats Tina! You won competition in writing!’ I remember it so…closely. That feeling. I felt like…..like a tower inside me got bombed. Like all my hopes, ambitions and dreams are….gone. Forever. Like they have been destroyed in one moment. And I was smiling….And clapping… Even if happiness wasn’t what i was feeling.
It was summer at judo camp. Some months after that. I was still hurt in eye. And I was hurt inside to. I was afraid. Of the world. Of….myself. And than. BUUMMMM!!!!! Tara falls in love. Whit someone who…. she knew before even by a name. And she becomes dunk of happiness. I. But inside I still felt…. wrong. Sad.
I remember judo training at December, nine months later. I wasn’t doing anything right and I was trying and trying and trying….. But I… couldn’t. At once…. Sounds were to loud. And i felt sooooo much pressure, like I have to hold the sky. I remember punching walls. I remember crying. I remember how I went home whit Summer. And she asked me what’s wrong. And………….I told. Everything. What happened. How I felt. How i still felt. And she said that she didn’t ever know any person who could express him/her self in so many ways as I can. I will never forget those words. How she said that sometimes you just have to go somewhere and….Scream. To let it out. And she said to me that I should start a blog.
So here I am now. Screaming. Screaming in my own way. Yes, I sometimes went to garden and screamed to the sky. Now i am drawing. Thinking and, afcourse, writing. And I don’t feel so sad anymore.
I am sad when I think about Johann. But yesterday….. it was like some invisible force connected again. Only because he said that it’s gonna be okay.
I left Nick.
I… am forgiving Tina? Yes i am. this is how I feel last…hm, days? Week?
And I am happy to have Summer. I am so glad to have her. And Ananya. And Jess. And Amber. And Tris. And you folks and my family and other friends…..
I am not a superhero. I am not a witch. I am not the chosen one. I am not half god or Avatar.
I am Tara. The end.