Running

I am.

……

Someone.

I am….

14-years old girl. From small country Slovenia.

I was a happy child. my parents always said that. Whatever they said to me I just laughed and said:’Yessss!!!!!.’ Also, I was bullied a lot by other kids before i came to school. I had friends, but you know, they weren’t my…best friends. They didn’t ever had time for me. I only had Johann. I have so many memories on our friendship. How we were climbing on a tree and I fell off.  How we build an igloo every winter. How we had a snowball fight and I threw snow ball into his face and he started crying. How we were eating cake together…..

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I meet Ananya when I was 6. How scared she was, when I first saw her. How I said to her:’Come on, let’s plaaaaaay!!!’ How she taught me how to draw harts. How we became best friends.

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I remember teacher we had in third class. She was yelling at me because I was bad at maths. But than well…. We were small, but we already had competitions in writing. She wanted me to go, but I didn’t wanted. When competition ended she said to me that….that I should go. She said that….I can’t do some things other kids can. But she also said that I can’t do things others can’t. She said that I can write good about feelings. And even if i will always be angry because she was yelling at me, like all other teachers I will always remember her as someone who gave me….a start.

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It was 3.3.2015. my 13th birthday. We were eating lunch at school than our teacher for Slovene came to our table…. And said:’Congrats Tina! You won competition in writing!’ I remember it so…closely. That feeling. I felt like…..like a tower inside me got bombed. Like all my hopes, ambitions and dreams are….gone. Forever. Like they have been destroyed in one moment. And I was smiling….And clapping… Even if happiness wasn’t what i was feeling.

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It was summer at judo camp. Some months after that. I was still hurt in eye. And I was hurt inside to. I was afraid. Of the world. Of….myself. And than. BUUMMMM!!!!!  Tara falls in love. Whit someone who…. she knew before even by a name. And she becomes dunk of happiness. I. But inside I still felt…. wrong. Sad.

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I remember judo training at December, nine months later. I wasn’t doing anything right and I was trying and trying and trying….. But I… couldn’t. At once…. Sounds were to loud. And i felt sooooo much pressure, like I have to hold the sky. I remember punching walls. I remember crying. I remember how I went home whit Summer. And she asked me what’s wrong. And………….I told. Everything. What happened. How I felt. How i still felt. And she said that she didn’t ever know any person who could express him/her self in so many ways as I can. I will never forget those words. How she said that sometimes you just have to go somewhere and….Scream. To let it out. And she said to me that I should start a blog.

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So here I am now. Screaming. Screaming in my own way. Yes, I sometimes went to garden and screamed to the sky. Now i am drawing. Thinking and, afcourse, writing.  And I don’t feel so sad anymore.

I am sad when I think about Johann. But yesterday….. it was like some invisible force connected again. Only because he said that it’s gonna be okay.

I left Nick.

I… am forgiving Tina? Yes i am. this is how I feel last…hm, days? Week?

And I am happy to have Summer. I am so glad to have her. And Ananya. And Jess. And Amber. And Tris. And you folks and my family and other friends…..

I am not a superhero. I am not a witch. I am not the chosen one. I am not half god or Avatar.

I am Tara. The end.