Hello folks ❤
On Saturday I am going on judo competition for three days. And you know what? I feel like I don’t want to go, not at all. You are gonna say now:’Okay Tara, what’s wrong?? Don’t you like competitions? What’s the problem?’ Look folks, the thing is that I just. Don’t. Feel. Like. It.
The thing is that I am kinda sure that I am gonna be lonely there. Jess hasn’t decided if she is going or not yet, but I think(I am kinds sure) that she won’t go. Than, there will be only boys and older girls and I do get along whit them, but…uh, ya know. It’s not the same than having someone like Summer or Jess or Amber around. Because they know me and they know my mind and crazy was of thinking.
And…Last times I just need some people that talk whit me, do some funny stuff whit me or watching horror movies whit me. Like… Like I am afraid of being alone, because a lot of time when I am alone, I am sad. And in the moment I feel confused to. i don’t have any a idea what am I writing about am just writing and writing and writing and everything I want is to fly away, somewhere far away. I want to escape.
Maybe you will say to me that I shouldn’t be worried. Maybe you will think that I am weak, stupid teen, losing her mind. Maybe you will try to give me advice. But deep, deep inside myself I KNOW what I want and what I need. Yes, I don’t wanna be alone, but I feel like… Like I am helpless. You know I am grateful for everything,all words and hugs that my friends and family gave me, but I feel like I have to do something on my own. Whitout help. Whitout anyone.
Ok, you probably think that I am really, REALLY crazy. I said that I don’t wanna be lonely and that I still somehow wanna be on my own.
And yes, I am standing by that. On judo, we have meetings whit psychologist, to help us face stage fright on competitions, etc. And last time, he asked me:’What do you need?’ And I said:’Peace.’ He than said that this is a intrasting answer and he asked me what do I mean whit that peace. I said that I just want to have time to just stand by the window, looking at the sky and no doing anything or thinking about anything for 30 minutes.
And yeah, that’s what I want. I do wanna to be alone sometimes, but also I don’t wanna be lonely, because there is a difference. Being alone is just being on your own. Being lonely is more about being lost in hurricane inside yourself and not having anyone to hold your hand.