If you ask me how I am, I’ll honestly tell you that…well, I don’t really feel good. Please, don’t panic!!! It’s nothing you should really worry about. I just feel a little lump of anxiety in my chest, after a long time… Or maybe… Not. When did I felt anxiety for the last time..? Okay, I didn’t told you, I know. I’m sorry. It was on airport when we were coming back from Bangkok.
It’s nothing serious, please, don’t panic. You know it was just… Whole day, I was running across airports from there to there, waiting for getting on plane, it was crowded… But it wasn’t only that, this was only 1% cause. All that day… I was whit my friends. Whit Ananya, Tina, Tris, Samanta. And… They are my friends. Ananya is my best friend. And they don’t know me.
You know only few people that knew me in person are allow to read my blog. Number of them… Were there are only few. And this people are my friends and I trust them. Because I am not kind of person who is open like a book. I show only what I want. And here on this blog I am being 100% me. You people, you can read me like a book, because I allowed you to read all my thoughts, hopes, dreams… And you know, for example Ananya is my best friend and I trust her very, very much. But… She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that I am a blogger. She doesn’t know what I have been trough and I am so sorry. Because, because…. She should know. She deserve it. I mean, she was on my side for nearly 10 years. And this is something. But I didn’t told her. And I won’t.
Okay, do you know all that thing about Tina? You probably do… Because I am not gonna repeat it again, because I already wrote about it so many times that I just can’t anymore. I feel sick, just thinking about it.(If you really don’t have any a idea what was my problem whit Tina, read ‘My story’, it will explain everything.) Let’s move on. Maybe on the first sight it would look like Tina is why I don’t tell Ananya about blog. Ananya and Tina are both my schoolmates. Maybe it looks like I didn’t tell Ananya about this blog, because I don’t trust her enough, because I think that Tina will suddenly know about it too. No, that’s not the thing.
So why than?
On one side, I just don’t wanna hurt her. How would she feel If i suddenly come to her and say:‘Oh heya, do you know that I am a blogger for like already half of a year? And yeah, did you know that year ago, I was constantly feeling sad, panic and angry and I was constantly faking my smiles?’ How would she felt? Terrible? Issued? Probably. And I don’t wanna hurt her, because she is one of the best people that ever lived on earth. So….Why didn’t i told her when it all began? Simple. Because I didn’t wanted her to be worried. Ohhh, I was so stupid. I mean, why didn’t I just told her about my problems when they began and maybe not even let them grow so far because of that? Everything would be a lot of easier. And than, I would just let time to heal everything and in the end, there would be so less pain….
And I feel like I issued her, because in true I did. She is showing me trust every day and me…? But I only know that I won’t ever be able to tell her, because right now it already is to late. I would only destroy our beautiful friendship. And that’s the last thing I want. I would do lots of things for our friendship.
And I know that this feeling will pass me too. Just currently, I am feeling guilt about that. I did mistake, because I didn’t told her in the begining, but I am human, and humans do mistakes. But I think that if would tell her now, i would tell her truth about me, but that would still be mistake, because i would destroy…everything that is connecting us. And as I said, I don’t want that.
And I won’t tell Tina, because she is gonna get hurt the most, if I tell everything. And others…? I don’t trust them that much, I mean they are my friends, but I am afraid that they will told Tina. And while sitting in Starbucks whit them… I just didn’t feel okay. Because I hide so much, I am not showing them so much of me. And they d0 deserve to know me. And they also deserve to not get hurt. And I can’t do both, so I decided. I choosed the second option. And when I chose something I am stuck whit that, because I am so stubborn. My soul is bulletproof.
Uhhhh, that’s so complicated I hope that you understand, because this post is a one real mess. But this is how I feel. Please, don’t be worried.
And…you? Do you understand my feels, or you’ll do something else than I did in my situation? Did you ever felt like you issued your friends? Were you ever hiding such a big secret? Tell me here, comments are afcourse welcome… See ya folks ❤