I’m bulletproof, I’m sorry

Hello folks.

If you ask me how I am, I’ll honestly tell you that…well, I don’t really feel good. Please, don’t panic!!! It’s nothing you should really worry about. I just feel a little lump of anxiety in my chest, after a long time… Or maybe… Not. When did I felt anxiety for the last time..? Okay, I didn’t told you, I know. I’m sorry. It was on airport when we were coming back from Bangkok.

It’s nothing serious, please, don’t panic. You know it was just… Whole day, I was running across airports from there to there, waiting for getting on plane, it was crowded… But it wasn’t only that, this was only 1% cause. All that day… I was whit my friends. Whit Ananya, Tina, Tris, Samanta. And… They are my friends. Ananya is my best friend. And they don’t know me.

You know only few people that knew me in person are allow to read my blog. Number of them… Were there are only few. And this people are my friends and I trust them. Because I am not kind of person who is open like a book. I show only what I want. And here on this blog I am being 100% me. You people, you can read me like a book, because I allowed you to read all my thoughts, hopes, dreams… And you know, for example Ananya is my best friend and I trust her very, very much. But… She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that I am a blogger. She doesn’t know what I have been trough and I am so sorry. Because, because…. She should know. She deserve it. I mean, she was on my side for nearly 10 years. And this is something. But I didn’t told her. And I won’t.

Okay, do you know all that thing about Tina? You probably do… Because I am not gonna repeat it again, because I already wrote about it so many times that I just can’t anymore. I feel sick, just thinking about it.(If you really don’t have any a idea what was my problem whit Tina, read ‘My story’, it will explain everything.) Let’s move on. Maybe on the first sight it would look like Tina is why I don’t tell Ananya about blog. Ananya and Tina are both my schoolmates. Maybe it looks like I didn’t tell Ananya about this blog, because I don’t trust her enough, because I think that Tina will suddenly know about it too. No, that’s not the thing.

So why than?

On one side, I just don’t wanna hurt her. How would she feel If i suddenly come to her and say:‘Oh heya, do you know that I am a blogger for like already half of a year? And yeah, did you know that year ago, I was constantly feeling sad, panic and angry and I was constantly faking my smiles?’ How would she felt? Terrible? Issued? Probably. And I don’t wanna hurt her, because she is one of the best people that ever lived on earth. So….Why didn’t i told her when it all began? Simple. Because I didn’t wanted her to be worried. Ohhh, I was so stupid. I mean, why didn’t I just told her about my problems when they began and maybe not even let them grow so far because of that? Everything would be a lot of easier. And than, I would just let time to heal everything and in the end, there would be so less pain….

And I feel like I issued her, because in true I did. She is showing me trust every day and me…? But I only know that I won’t ever be able to tell her, because right now it already is to late. I would only destroy our beautiful friendship. And that’s the last thing I want. I would do lots of things for our friendship.

And I know that this feeling will pass me too. Just currently, I am feeling guilt about that. I did mistake, because I didn’t told her in the begining, but I am human, and humans do mistakes. But I think that if would tell her now, i would tell her truth about me, but that would still be mistake, because i would destroy…everything that is connecting us. And as I said, I don’t want that.

And I won’t tell Tina, because she is gonna get hurt the most, if I tell everything. And others…? I don’t trust them that much, I mean they are my friends, but I am afraid that they will told Tina. And while sitting in Starbucks whit them… I just didn’t feel okay. Because I hide so much, I am not showing them so much of me. And they d0 deserve to know me. And they also deserve to not get hurt. And I can’t do both, so I decided. I choosed the second option. And when I chose something I am stuck whit that, because I am so stubborn. My soul is bulletproof.

Uhhhh, that’s so complicated I hope that you understand, because this post is a one real mess. But this is how I feel. Please, don’t be worried.

And…you? Do you understand my feels, or you’ll do something else than I did in my situation? Did you ever felt like you issued your friends? Were you ever hiding such a big secret? Tell me here, comments are afcourse welcome… See ya folks ❤



3 thoughts on “I’m bulletproof, I’m sorry

  1. Tara,
    I understand. I know how you feel. Alot of people do.
    I really appreciate that you are brave enough to be the person that you are, and the person that you aim to be. We all do.
    I am a totally different person on the internet than I am in real life. In real life, I act like a socially awkward piece of crap, and I hide away my feelings, because I’ve always believed that people that live outside of my own world wouldn’t understand me or the things I liked. But on the internet, I’m not afraid to share my world with others, because this community has so much more personality, love, and passion than the outside world. This is my escape.
    Some people here probably feel the opposite. Some probably keep their own worlds away from the internet and share them with the outside world, because they believe that the outside community is better than the internet community. The outside world is their escape.
    We are all human. We all make mistakes, and your friends should know that. They should know that not everyone is perfect, and that everyone has at least one flaw in themselves, because we are human. We are not alien, we are human. Imperfect, human beings. We should accept ourselves for that.
    If you truly trust your friends that they will stick with you no matter what, then you should tell them about your feelings. You can’t lock them away forever, it will only leave you to rot. I say that from experience, and I’m sure your friends have been through something like that once before. Everyone has, because we’re all human.
    Not everyone will accept you for who you are, and that’s OKAY. I’ve learned that I just can’t really make friends with EVERYONE, even though I’ve tried. Your true friends will accept you for who you are, despite all the imperfections you may have. They will accept you, and they will not feel any pain or shame in doing so. They will come to you soon.
    Talk to someone about your feelings, whether it be someone in this community, or someone outside this community that you trust.
    We are ALL here for you and we ALL love you. Continue to be that flower in all of our rainy days. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. yeah, Ananya would feel bad but if you tell her, it would mean that you are way more frank with her now and you actually trust her with a secret. Tell her babe, she would get it. 10 years i a long time and I am sure she will understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m very selective in what I tell my friends. It’s not because I don’t want to hurt them. There’s no one I can fully trust. I’m afraid that it’ll turn out wrong (e.g. : they don’t keep it as a secret). That’s called risk. But I don’t want to take it. I’m such a coward.

    Liked by 1 person

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