Hello folks ❤
Some of you may know and some of you may don’t know that I am ‘a little dyslectic’. When I say a little I mean, that I can read and write(as you can see) normally, even if I sometimes spell things wrong or I just can’t remember if it’s right to write ‘whit’ or ‘with’, etc. In true, no doctor haven’t ever said to me that yes, I am dyslectic, but once when I visited eye doctor and they asked me to look at the pictures of arrows and tell in which side they are turned, left or right. Than I asked doctor if I can show that whit my hands, because I have trouble whit ‘left and right stuff. Than she said that yes, I can. In the end of my visit she said to me:’You know, even people like you can sometimes learn how to drive a car’. No shit, that I was a little angry inside, I mean, woman I don’t even know said to me that, ohh, one day I would maybe be able to drive a car. Thank you really.
Being ‘a little dyslectic’ was part of my life since I was very young, but I just didn’t understand it. Not at all. You know, it showed when I came to school. We were learning 1+1 and stuff like that and afcourse it was simple for all kids. Well, expect for me. And over the years, nothing has changed. Subjects when you have to work hard are easy for me. Subjects where you have to use your imagination are easy for me. Maths, Chemistry? Nope. It seems like logical things are unlogical for me.
That’s the reason why all teachers hated me when I was a kid. Because They thought that I am just lazy. You know what teacher who had me in first calss told my parents? She said that when I am gonna be teen I am gonna have really bad grades. That she doesn’t know how I will make it trough school. Now? I am A student in all subjects expect… you know my hate it three. I have B at three subjects. And that stupid woman thought that I am not gonna make it trough school. I so hate her. She just…judged me.
Why am I even talking about that? Because of what happened today… I went to shopping center whit my dad and brother to buy books and other things for next school year. When we got to the shop, I realized that I forgot my notes for why do I have to buy at the car. Afcourse this is only when troubles begin. I went back to car, and guess what, I forgot where the car was. I spent ten minutes looking for the car and when I finally found it, I again forgot how to come back to shopping center. it actually took me 30 minutes to get notes from car to shopping center. The most horrible of all is that in true, car was only 50 meters away from center. It sounds like a funny story from a stupid blonde teen girl. But for me it isn’t funny. I know that in situations like that I always make fun from myself, because I don’t want to show how that hurts me.
Because for me, it’s easier to smile and hide what I feel, I dunno why, guess that i am just that kind of person. But I think that this is changing too. because when I finally got my notes today and I didn’t remember anymore from witch direction I came from I didn’t said to myself, like normally:’Haha, stupid, funny Tara, those things really happen just to you!!! Hahaha, sooooo funny!!!!’. I didn’t. I went away from the car and I started crying and I a not ashamed of it. Because I didn’t cried only because that happened once, I cried, because that already happened thousands of times before. I cried, because I know how lots of people judged me(and they still do) as an idiot, as an dumb, as an stupid. And I am not any of that. I just have a little different brain. And that ‘a little’ many times meant ‘a lot’ in my life, because I was always expected to do things as good as other kids. In true, I just can’t do some things. At some things… I just don’t fit in.
I remember when I was little and we had kind of test for a new belt in judo like every year and afetr we finished it(and we all done it) some kids always came to me and acted suprised that I got a new belt… Because I am, you know, ‘stupid’. And this thing were constantly happening in my life. They don’t say it anymore, probably because they are all afraid of me. I don’t really know why, but it’s fine by me. So they don’t say it, bit I know what they think. I can read them. I know that not any of them would never read that, because I would never allow people like that to read my blog, but I still feel so good when I am here secretly sending them to hell.
You know I am proud on myself. I am proud to be good at writing, singing, running and judo. I am proud because I have nice and big imagination. But even whit all that… sometimes it’s so hard to be me. It just is hard. Because if you say to me:’Go left, than right, than twice left again and than right three times…’, I just won’t remember, plus I need 30 seconds to think about which is left and which right. I mean, I sometimes can’t remember where north is and where south is. And it’s so stupid. And I so hate it. But I can’t do anything, because my little dyslexia is never gonna go away. It’s always gonna be here.
I know that you will say now that I need to be strong and brave and stuff like that, but the truth is that I don’t need that. If I end this post whit saying that things will get better and that I’ll try not to feel like that, that would be a lie. That is a part of me and i will always live whit that. Because sometimes brave are the ones who know where they should stop whit being brave. And please, don’t say, try to live whit it and things like that, because I am doing that for ages now. Because maybe I am an outsider, because of my ‘a little different brain’, but I also am an outsider because of my huge fantasies and my special mind.
You know people… I know that we all have some thing that make us ‘outsiders’, but I just needed to cry that out for a little. Because isn’t it sometimes hard to be who you are? I am repeating; I am proud on myself. And sometimes I hate being me. That doesn’t mean that I hate myself.
I think that the only person who understands that is Summer. It’s hard to find people like Summer who do understand that, because when I say that I can’t get A at maths most people say that I should try harder. They don’t get it…they don’t get anything about my ‘forgetful’ things. Because dyslexia doesn’t mean that you are stupid. It onyl means that your mind is a little different.
After this long post, I just hope that I will found someone else to understand. because that’s what I need. If you do, tell me because it makes me happy 🙂 Thank you, I love you.