It’s just a game

Hello folks.

I’m back. Finally. I can’t tell you how much have I missed you. . I feel like I can’t live whitout blogging. My mind hurts, my thoughts are running wild. I look like every other fourteen years old girl. But there is such a storm after my calm face. I am such a mess whitout you guys. I felt so worthless. Okay, enough about that. That’s not really…the thing.

No matter how much time I have been away, I don’t know what to write about. We will see what will come out of that post in the end.

Also I have to tell you that I am going on judo camp so I will be out again, I am so sorry. Uhh, another thing! I created fan page on instagram and you please check it out and follow, please guys, I would be really greatefull 🙂 ❤ Link is here:Check me!!!!! Cheeeeeeeeck meeeee!!! 😀

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You know for my mood swings. Probably. I am a one reallllllly moody person. It’s probably because I am sensitive person. There is nothing to hide. I am. I remember when I was little and I was drama queen about everything. If I feel and get a  little wound and I bleed a little I was screaming and crying that they heard it to the other side of the world. I wasn’t like my little brother for example. He is running to me and screaming:’Tara, Tara!!!!!!!’ Than he falls, hard. And he stand back up… And runs on and screams:’Tara, Tara!!!!!!’, again.

I can say that I changed. I did. But not only because of growing up. More because of sport I train, judo. And judo really do makes you strong. I can’t imagine myself whitout that sport. I am so different than I would be whitout it. And because of judo i don’t cry every time I bleed. I am not in panic because of pain.

But no matter what, inside I am sensitive. Still. I am not weak. I am strong. But also, i am sensitive. That’s just the fact. Someone once said to me that I shouldn’t let little things worrying me. And I said okay. But what I was thinking was more like:’I’m trying. Don’t you see how hard am I trying?’

And I am still trying. Not to little things make me feel bad. But I am still getting angry every day, because of just so little and stupid things. And the same goes to sadness and luckily to happiness too. But you see, it’s so stupid.

I am young and after me are kinda many things. I am over anxiety. I fell in love. I found someone to truly trust. I became a blogger. I have been trough a brake up. I am gonna be in a movie(just like a statist, but it is something:). I traveled to Bangkok whit my friends. And now I seem to go to America… Someone once said to me….:’Gosh, how many things will happen to you…?’. I don’t have an answer.

You know after I knew that I am gonna go to Bangkok I was totally like:’Okay that’s it. So many stuff happened to me that nothing more just can’t happen’. Ohohho, I was so wrong. Again.

Because you know it was the moment when I thought that peaceful days are before me. That here is just nothing else to happen. Nothing to bad, because I have been trough enough. And also nothing so good, because some miracles have already happened. But life just doesn’t work in that way. Just when you think that you can’t be more happy, something amazing happens. And just when you get healed you get a deep wound again.

And it’s so stupid, because it exsist something more horrible than all those things. It’s being stuck between screaming of happiness and crying hard because you got hut again. And this is what is happening to me. For some time now.And no matter what I can’t escape it. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have so many feelings and I can’t give them to anyone. But I can’t trow them away also. Because I am trying to forget. But I can’t. There is to much to remember. I am running in circles. And nothing happens, because it can’t.  I can’t describe how deeply angry I am . No matter if I am good writer or not, no one can explain.

One part of me wants to live for this beautiful memories, fill whit sadness, I am not ready to share whit you…yet. This part of me is happy and excited and hopes and believes and it’s being optimistic and thinks that there still is some hope. The other one…not so. This one just wants to delete everything that happened. This one just wants to live peacefully on. Whitout running, and fghting and trying. I’m sick of fighting, can’t I rest, for once?

No shit that i am mood swinging. Just when I seemed to… to well, move on I am again divided. And oh gosh, hwy, why can’t I get my happily ever after.

Because life is not a fairytale.

It’s just a game.

 

-Tara