I haven’t told you lot about my family yet. I am gonna do some of it now. Not really because want to do so. More because I need to. Ten minutes ago my mum came to my corner of the room and said that we are going on a trip tomorrow. I said okay, but when she left I started crying. And it’s weird that I cry because I’m going on a trip whit my family, I know. But you see, it’s hard to understand…The reason I cry. Many people don’t. And sadly my family doesn’t too.
I am a perfectionist. I have to have everything organizated. I have to have control, everything clean, everything tidy. Everything…perfect. But of course I can’t have things perfect. It’s not possible. What bothers me? I can’t even get close to that perfection. Not at home.
I have everything planned, always. I plan almost every minute of my life after school. Nothing has to fall out of the order. But It still falls. It fell yesterday. It fell today. It will fell tomorrow. And it’s just going on and never stops. Like there is no end of it. And there probably really is none. I had my plans for this weekend. Everything is written down in my planner. And than BUUUUMMMM and my family has other plans, suddenly. As always. Always, always, always.
My family is… Different than me. They are all messy. They all never plan anything. They never think of things before they happen. And it’s nothing wrong whit being like they are. It’s nothing wrong whit being messy. But you see… For people like me, for antimessy people it’s hard to live a messy life.
Our flat is never(expect when visits come) clean. Clothes, different flowers, toys, books, images, odd thing from times when my mu and dad were traveling…. Everywhere. When I was around ten years old and I started dealing with perfectionism I started cleaning. I was cleaning whit out anyone saying to me that I have to. No, I didn’t have parents that told me that I have to clean my room. I was the one telling them that. And you know… I cleaned up so many times. But the next day… It was like I wasn’t ever cleaning. So I gave up. I started to pretend that mess is just not there. I wanted not to see it there. I tried to ignore everything around me. And I somehow managed to do so. One day after another. I ignore it.
But sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes it’s to hard. My perfectionism is going to extremes. Everyday more. Year ago toys on the ground were bothering me. Now every shade of dust I see bothers me. I wanted to paste here some pictures that are representing ‘mess’ in the way that google sees it. But I won’t because I feel bad just looking at them. Just looking at unreal mess, a picture of mess makes me… I don’t know. Many things. Nervous. Sad. Angry. Wanting to change it. I just wanna get the vacuum cleaner and clean everything. Even if it’s just a picture.
And there are times when I feel so full of despair because of that. There are times when I just transform into a little ball on my bed and my bed is like a boat on the wild ocean. Ocean of chaos. And I don’t wanna feel in that way. But more and more I want that more….more perfection I want. And sometimes there is nothing that helps me. Sometimes it’s not enough that I turn music aloud. Sometimes it’s not enough that I read. Sometimes it’s not enough to fly away in my mind. Because I sometimes can’t imagine myself flying. So I sometimes just am there. In chaos. In mess.
I just made my family look terrible. I’m so sorry. They are far far from terrible. They are amazing. I love them. They are my family. But they don’t know. they don’t get why I am so obsessed whit cleaning. They don’t get why am I so angry when they woke up late and we are late for school. They don’t understand. But how could they? I don’t blame them. They are not perfect as you are not and as I am not.
So I am am asking now. Is there anyone out there who is so hard perfectionist like me? Or am I only insane? I love my family very much and they love me. I am not fair to write like that. To make them look like thy have done something wrong. But I can’t help myself. I sometimes can’t ignore it. Sometimes it’s easy…. to let things out to you. Because I know you will not judge me.