At first I wanted to… No. Okay. I was planning to write about something different, but… I won’t. It just doesn’t feel like. Because what I am gonna write about today is…hard. Yes. It’s hard to write about. And I am taking it around whit me…for weeks now. And I can’t hold on that any longer, because no matter what I write I feel like a liar. So. Let’s begin. With a song.
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
This kinda…explains a lot. I don’t know how to, how to… say it. I haven’t ever found it so hard to write about before. Never. Not even when I left Nick. There are so many words I want to say, but I don’t know where to begin. There are so many things. So many things… I don’t know. I’ll try to just…let it flow. Away. Away from my head. I don’t wanna hear it anymore. I wanna forget on it… And something in me doesn’t want anyone to read that. Ever. But the other part… The other part just wants not to be alone in this. I want someone to say that i am not alone in that. That they have been in this too.
The thing is that I have told someone that I like him. You know what I mean. I’m not gonna get into it. And he didn’t feel the same. I wasn’t expecting anything. I was expecting exactly what I got back. But I rather face facts not let them drown in me. I don’t like living in secrets… I have to much secrets already. A lot. And I just wanted this person to know that I trust him. Because If I would not trust him I would not ever say that. Because I haven’t expected it’s hard to say that I am disappointment. I am not. But you know I am not a…machine. No matter how strong or weak I am. If you are rejected by someone you love… Of course you feel pain.
And of course it would be wrong wrong and wrong to blame him. He said it so beautiful. SO nicely. Like Nick would never. That just said voice in my head. Really… . And you see people. I don’t feel like I am not enough because of that. That would be kinda logistical reaction on rejection. Looks like I really am proud.
But I have to say… I get kind well trough that. If that happened a year ago… I don’t know what will happen. I would probably be even more sad than I was. No. I would be. I have wrote many times how stronger I have became. But… You see, as long as I don’t have written a fact on black and white I won’t be sure. But now it finally feels like… I have this knowing. For sure. Because first day, uh it really did hurt. Next day it still did, but less. And another day less again. And so it goes now.
And if I am sad because of something, I am not sad because of that… No I am not. And you see, this post really did just flowed…. As I said for million times, I am stubborn person(
omg Tara, can you please STOP with this sentence!!!!). Like I won’t give up and I will get to America one day, so I won’t give up with… anything. Because I was rejected once doesn’t mean that I will be cold forever. I know how to move on. Hehehe. Hehehehee. I seem to be in Tara-evil-happy mood. HEHEHEHEHEHE. I’m running again.
Song above is by Gnash and Olivia O’Brien (I hate u I love u)