Today lot of things happened and this things are kinda bad. But however, they had inspired me for today’s post. So, it all began next to the maths classroom. Our class was, as normal, chatting, laughing, jumping, running around… I was standing next to the group of boys from our class. And near us there were ping pong tables. Than suddenly on of the guys fell. And he hit with his head. Right into the ping pong table. Next things he was doing was lying on the ground and covering his head with his hands. All class was just standing there and silently looking. Than he finally let go his hand of his head.
Than there were few seconds that talked like a forever. And than there was a drop of blood on the ground. And another. And another. And at once there was a lot of blood on the ground. And everyone were just looking. And he was looking t his own blood coming out of his head. But you see, even on the first sight… It wasn’t just a cut. It was a ten centimeters long and deep wound on his head. And than I don’t know. Some girls were screaming, but they, no one didn’t do anything. Than I felt something. Like a…movement. I was sensing his panic, his sock. I saw it in his eyes still fixed on blood on the ground.
And when I felt it I stepped forward to him and told him what to do that he won’t bleed more. He looked like he didn’t heard me. And there was still…huge, rising panic in his eyes. So I told him that it’s okay. Even if it wasn’t. Not really. But in that moment this was probably what he needed. To think like it’s not so bad at all. Because what I wanted is to stop him before going to panic. High sock can make everything a lot of more dangerous. And you know… I had no idea why I have done that. I haven’t decided to help him. I just somehow did. I didn’t cared that I had blood on my hands, no I didn’t. All I knew is that he should of know that it will be okay.
It’s still scary. I mean he will probably only have a concussion, but there was so much blood. I haven’t seen so much of it…never. Not ever in my life. And I was socked. Like really. But even if my hands were shaking, I didn’t let myself to be like some other stupid girls screaming around and yelling:‘I’m getting sick!!!!!!!!!!! Blood!!!’ Yes I was in sock to… But I did controlled it. I knew that he was more important than me in this moment. And this surprised me. Because I actually controlled my panic. And not only panic. I controlled myself. See why am I surprised? Because I am normally not good at controlling myself. And this is thing I hate the most on myself.
When did I realized that for the first time. Las year on judo training. I was angry and sad. How do you think that I reacted? I just had a fight(judo fight) with one of the boys I am friend with. And I have throw hi on the ground once. And twice. And gain. Every time harder than I should. I wasn’t seeking any way in this fight like I should I was just letting out my anger. On him. And now I am so so sorry. Because in this moment I should of control myself. But I didn’t. And this is just one example. I always yell on people when I am sad or angry. Even if they don’t have anything to do with me or my problems. Even if they don’t deserve it. What can I do now? I can say that I won’t do it again. Will that hold me back?
I fell in love with people that weren’t right. Or I fell in love with people that are and will always be away. And I can say now that I won’t fell in love like that again. But will that stop me? Will I really…stay by that?
I can’t control. Sometimes… Everything just flies away. It is getting better, but it looks like it’s never gonna get away. This must be confusing. I mean that I am avoiding my panic and anxiety, but it’s not gone. You know I can be sou purple. I have days when I am full of joy. But…not really days. They more get to weeks. There are weeks when I feel so so full of joy that nothing won’t broke me down. There are times when I feel so powerful with myself. But there are times when I feel so full of something without existing, without a cause. Like I am fighting with a monster in total darkness. I am trying to protect myself, but how can I if I don’t see anything.
I know how does that sound, but I am going trough bad days now. And do you remember when I said that if I won’t feel good that I will be honest and tell you what I really feel? I don’t wanna be a liar I was back in time. But still. Today I showed that I can control myself. I hope that…that means something. That controlling myself and my feels.