Words. Coming out of his or hers mouth. And you listen to them. Watch their moves. And than you finally…her them. You see them. You listen. Even if you don’t want to know the truth…It’s still here, brand new horror. And they wee criminals. They betreid you. They…. But you try not to care. But you do. And you detain your eyes so fire in them shines brighter. And you so want to punch them into their face.
Sound familiar? To me pretty…a lot, yes. It’s anger.
Do you remember that I used to punch walls? However. I did. I did that when I was angry on myself. Because it was so hard…to not do that. I made a thing, a move, a decision… That turned out negative. And I feel like…’Oh Tara. Why do you that? How can you do that mess?’ And I feel like I am gonna explode with all this anger, anger ANGER inside me and there is something gripping me and not letting me get away… And so I punched walls. But punching-walls times are behind me.
I will be honest… I (still) sometimes throw things around. It’s better than punching walls. At first I was punching and throwing into the world. Because it sometimes sucked so much. But than i started to pretend that I am hitting this demons. Monster that is gripping me around the neck. And once…there was nothing more to destroy.
Today I was on judo training and I had a judo fight with Nick. I haven’t ever fought with him before. Not that this matters. Have you read…? Yes I left him. I did. And I don’t regret this because last month I discovered that maybe…I haven’t ever knew him. My Nick. My Nick. Who is not mine anymore. Or he never was. Maybe I just thought that he was.
If you haven’t read in my posts… He was sending me a sad songs. Than he tried to inflict me. And I guess that all this… Just didn’t get it or I was just sad about all of it. However. This feelings changed. Because I had a judo fight with him. And suddenly all this sadness just transformed into anger. And I throw him on the ground once.
And something really did exploded. Probably my feelings. We pretended that there is silence between us. But it wasn’t. It was a scream. Scream in sadness. In anger. And I was so so angry that nothing, nothing mattered. Not that I am a girl and he is a boy… Not that he is heavier than me. because he fell and not only once. He fell with so much anger coming out of sadness.
After it was over…. I was suddenly feeling sick. Like very sick. Because I finally realized how, how… How angry I was. How he did inflicted me. But I just walked away. Because I didn’t wanted him to know. I didn’t wanted anyone to know. I guess that only Amber saw what was really inside me. She hugged me. And I wanted to cry. but I didn’t. I hided it, I hided it.
But then I felt better. Because I did showed my anger. I let it out. And now is away… Not all of it, but a lot. I’m on fire. This time I was burning because of anger. I wasn’t…cold. I pretended that I was. But Now i seem to slowly get more an more cold. Cold about Nick. Like I don’t care anymore.