Deep thoughts

Fade away

Hello folks 🙂

Today I was on athletic competition and some girls fro  my school and me were second in Relay on 100 meter, yeey. I’m so happy about it. Plus, in Monday I got FIVE(the best mark) in MATHS! Plus, we reached 5000 views! Thank you so much! Yeeeeea! Now I just hope that our chem witch will leave me alone… Argh.

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However. Have you ever got hurt? I mean…at heart? Into your soul? Probably… Everyone needs to face that. I remember when I was so sad because I lost something that was…really important to me. When I lost when I should of win. I remember. I remember. How I was standing there, clapping. Clapping to someone who won in something because of me…And took all the merits. And I was just there, still clapping. And only I know the truth. And nobody else. Nobody, nobody, nobody.

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And i just remember it so clearly. How something inside me just, just… fell apart. Not slowly, not step by step. All at once. It seemed like I was holding all this darkness inside me and when something came, something that gripped me so hard, I lost myself. In darkness. Because I was in shadow.

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And i remember when i was sitting and eating my lunch one day after. Alone. And I was thinking and I was so so sad. So alone in ti. not knowing what to do. And than something in me said:‘It will be better. Tomorrow will be a little better. And than another day a little better again.’ And something in me…didn’t wanted to believe. I had so much of this sadness inside me, so much. I couldn’t just believe… That it will just fade with time.

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And no, it didn’t just fade. It was there, everyday more of it. And it didn’t wen t away in a week. Not in a month. But once, after months, when I…reached the bottom of everything. All my feelings. All my emotions. All my hopes that did fade away. When this happened it was terrible. But once I reached this end… I could only go up. So I did. I got help. And so it started fading.

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I know that maybe it won’t ever fade. It didn’t till now. It’s still here. Less of it of course, a lot a lot of less. And I don’t know if it really is going away or am just I getting stronger and wiser.

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What I am trying to say is that… all the things even the most beautiful and even the worst of all do fade. One day, even if after a million year they are left behind. Because they don’t have anything left to hold on. And this is so so… cruel. Because I didn’t wanted my love to pass. And I didn’t wanted some of my friendships to broke and fade.  But If I had to lose them.. I just wanted to somehow…remember them forever. because in some times they were so important to me that I couldn’t realized that one day they won’t be anymore. Not in the way they used to be before.  I wanted to live for them and memories we had.  But this is sometimes just not the truth. not a reality.

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I sometimes hate that time… heals things. Make them go away. Make us to move over things and let them go.But when you come to situation as I was in…. That thing that I described above. When you do let it go… And when you move on, over things… than everything gets better. For that time i am happy that people are programed to move over. To stay and fight. To survive.

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I have lost some things and one of them brake me. But I am here again, not so broken. Because time do heals.

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And I loved and it was gone all at once. And when I love again…I am afraid. That it it will repeat. But again… I become more fearless about it. Because it faded again.

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