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It’s not real

Hello folks πŸ™‚

At first I wanna thank you, our number jumped on 375 very quickly! Also I am very thankful for all your kind wishes for my judo competition today! If you want to hear more about competition… I meant to write about it in this post…Β  It’s very important to me.

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At first there comes realizing…realizing of what you had done wrong. For me it comes so…full of the darkest darkness, gripping me, trying to push me in it’s deepest depths. And than everything goes blank. Too blank. And than everything inside me starts shaking…I feel like I have a city inside me an at once there is earthquake. And houses start to fall apart…And it feels like people are running out of them, filled with sock.Β  And once you know how is to be there, you are…not scared, you areΒ terrified that it will repeat. And sometimes…it does. It’s hitting us in our souls, wildly and strong, like a tsunami.

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This did happened to me. More than once. There are times when I really freaked out. And I mean really really totally. And there are time when I just felt it and I just started crying. And it’s different, but in both ways it’s hard. And they both have the same reason. And when you are there, but in true so far away…. You don’t know you just wanna run, escape, escape, escape and all this makes it even worse. Because when it comes to anxiety, resisting to it makes it bigger, makes it scarier.

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So today was the competition. I woke up at 5.10 am and hurry went to my judo club from were we drove to Italy.Β  However, he wasn’t really the reason why I wasn’t sleeping. I was leaning on the window watching night turning to foggy day filled with tears of the sky. And I was thinking…about all that. And more. What will happen today? Will I…fall? Because I am not worried if I loose. I am terrified of consequence . Of anxiety that starts gripping me after…things don’t go in the ways I wanted. If I fail. …

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And when we came and Amber had to woke up and Leo needed to stop yelling things turned on more fun. My kilograms were okay(oh yes) we ate a lot(and I mean it) we were drawing a lot(too much)…. It was fun and it seemed like everything started quickly. And to tell you honestly…at first I was scared out of my mind. I went out on the rain, but nothing seemed to clam me up. Because I was scared of the most scary thing. I was scared that my panic will…bring me on my knees again. Than I remembered all your wishes for me and I thought that one stupid shitty anxiety just won’t bring me down.

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My category started and I was still somewhere between fear and confidence. Than…Than Amber and Leo came and we had some pretty interesting conversations. And I was happy for that. Because they were there and I wasn’t alone. And they didn’t only cheered me up. They gave me hope that…I can do it.

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One stupid shitty anxiety just won’t bring me down.

One stupid shitty anxiety just won’t bring me down.

One stupid shitty anxiety just won’t bring me down.

…..

..

.

And it didn’t.

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When I finished my first fight and came back, Amber just looked at me and said:’…Tara. Wow.’ I was so prod because I believed in this sentences above so much. And anxiety really really didn’t bring me down. I did so to it….

I was good enough to get to a fight for a third place. Yes, I lost once, but not because of panic or anxiety.Β  I lost because I did a stupid mistake what do happens in judo. Before I had my last fight… I suddenly got dizzy. And I didn’t felt panic. Not at all. Just this stupid stupid effing anxiety. Deep in my throat. Nobody realized. I went up, to fight.

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You will win Tara, I told myself.

You won’t. You will fall you will lose you will become another part of my endless darkness….. anxiety said.

Fight started.

Darkness. You will drown in my darkness.

At first my thoughts were like:Oh not again. After almost perfect first fight you will gave up….

And than I stopped. No. no giving up.Β  I’ll win. No one can’t stop me.

Endless darknessssss…….

Endless darknesss…..

I fought on. Or this is when everything actually began.

No! you will be part of me again! My anxiety seemed to say.

Ignore. Let it flow.

Noooo….

You aren’t even real, my mind said. You never were. I created you, because I was so afraid… I thought that I am afraid of you, but in true…. All this time I was afraid of myself. You are not real.

And suddenly it wasn’t anymore.

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I don’t know how I won. I just know that I did. And when i realized it I just hugged Amber and cried. This conversation I had in with anxiety happened in a second. A second that nobody noticed. And if you want to think that I am crazy-okay. You are free to. Maybe I am. I may be crazy, but in a good way. I beat up anxiety this time. And I get my price. I was so happy… Not really because I was third. More because I know that I broke something today. I broke something bad. And i broke it on better.

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This day i am proud. I don’t know what will happen in a future that it’s before me,but now I know that the best was to fight anxiety is to let it flow, not to hit it back. And it will fly away. I am starting to close this anxiety chapter of my life. And in next one…I am a warrior.

-Tara

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16 thoughts on “It’s not real

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