You know. That moment when…when you are so scared,terrified of what will happen, what will you do, what will others do or how will it end. When something starts gripping you deep in your throat and it doesn’t want to let you go…. It impregnates you so much that you sometimes just don’t know what to do with it. It’s just there, you just feel it. Fear.
Some fear are made control us…Like fear from heights. If we wouldn’t be afraid of heights there would be a lot of bigger chance for us to fall into depths. Right? Some fear are here to control us and to tell us where the limits are. Some others are just not that kinds of fears. Some fears are…obsessive. To hard. To powerful. For me this sometimes is fear from falling into a panic attacks. I cut t out recently, but still… This fears can put us…deep down.
My younger sister Loti is gonna be 10 years old on the twelve of October. And you know, she has one very very big fear. It’s fear that I think everybody had as younger kids, but with some people it’s seem to just stick a little longer. My sister is afraid of darkness. I have been afraid of it when I was 4 or 5 but later it just faded away… I am sometimes scared at night, but not of darkness, more because of too much horror movies. But it’s not a…big deal. It’s something that just accept and no more. But my sister just…I don’t know. How to explain it. She’s, she’s ..terrified..
Today my teacher asked Ananya and me history for a mark. Ananya…hates History. But not because she thinks it’s boring or that it doesn’t matter to her at all. She would say that. But I know that maybe this is not the whole truth. Two years ago, Ananya would get 5, the best mark you can get for History. And than she once got 2. And from that… She thought that this is because she’s had at history witch she isn’t in every true. But because she believed that she can’t do it… She got another 2. And another. And she was afraid that it will repeat, all over again. She was and she still is afraid of it. And that’s why she hates it. That’s why she can’t go on better. Because she doesn’t believe.
I feel that need to help them. Still, I don’t now how. But maybe this is only because I am not mean to. Maybe people sometimes need to find a way out of their fears alone. Sometimes. As it goes for me…. I am here, being wise and saying that they shouldn’t be afraid, but in every true, I am just the same. Someone once said to me:’I can’t imagine you being afraid.’ This is because this person has only seen my confident, lighter side. I am afraid. Oh gosh, I am sometimes so afraid. Maybe I just don’t show it much.
I am not really afraid to die, I am afraid to die not leaving anything behind. No memory. No footprints. No signs that I have ever lived. It’s a stupid fear, I know. But it is. Maybe it’s a part of me…maybe it’s just something I have to accept. Sometimes we make bigger differences with accepting than with fighting something.
I’m afraid of many things, but at last I don’t mind them so so much. I sometimes leave them behind, shout my ears. Sometimes they get weaker because of that. Sometimes they get bigger. For my fear of panic attacks…hiding from it did made it bigger. The same goes to fighting it. For this one all I needed was to believe that I’m stronger than it. And than I was. I said that I am not fearless, because this is something so perfect that it’s impossible to reach. But maybe we are fearless if we accept that we cannot be fearless.
I am afraid, but I am not ashamed of it…I accept it. As it’s happening now. I am terrified of how some of my ‘fallings’ will turn out. I am scared of what will maybe be, but I still know that here is just this ‘maybe’ that it’s for now more like ‘nothing’. And I don’t know if I am more afraid that I will never try or that I will fail. Who knows? I’ll let my life take me, like a leaf in the wind.
What do you think about fears, are some here to guide us? What are you afraid of? Any fears like mine or those from Loti or Ananya? How do you react on fear? tell me 🙂
Also, thankyouthankyouthankyou for all your kind comments under my yestereday’s post about facing my fear from panic on my judo competition, you are awesome folks! ❤ Have a good day!
all pictures taken from Tumblr 😀