Hello folks 🙂
I know I know, I have been off my blog for two days, but I really, really had a lot to study(and I still have), but I am here again today. My throat started to hurt in Friday and in the evening I felt so cold… In the morning my throat seemed to get worse, but now I am a lot a lot of better. My sister had birthday celebration with our whole family and yoghurt cake seems to heal everything. 🙂
I was worried for whole day, because I have a judo competition tomorrow and I was afraid that I won’t be able to go because of this stupid little cold I got. And when I started to feel bad because of this throat hurting and when I started to think that I maybe won’t be able to go…I don’t really know what happened. It was like I don’t want to go anymore.
And…I didn’t really found the reason why. Maybe because at once, there were to many.
When I look into past year, judo competitions were always very happy thing, because I could see Nick and it was…just amazing. I can’t say that It wasn’t now. It was. And maybe this is what hurts the most. Because it really was awesome. So now it’s even more…sad. After everything that happened I’m ignoring him and I know that this is the most right thing to do in this moment. Because some memories cannot be deleted. I can’t forget on our happiness. But I also can’t forget on the blame, the sorrow, the anger. Some wounds do heal…some leave us scars.
And when I was thinking about it I was suddenly on the rollercaster of all this nightmares. And I started to think about the same old thing again…what if I fall again, oh what if? What if it all repeats? What if…. What if I wouldn’t be able to breath at once, in this moment? And all this fear….
So something in me decided that it’a a lot of safer for me to stay at home, eat cookies, blog, read and study and be lazy with my hurting throat. Because I didn’t wanted to ask myself…What if? But because I was thinking of it… It was still there. But I was wandering again. And I was thinking…that I can look on ‘what if‘ question in negative way like before. I can say What if I ahve a panic attack? What if someone will bully me because of Nick? What if what if what if…..
But than this stopped…and continued. Because, what if all this doesn’t happen? What if I go there and win? What if I go there and have awesome time? And I finally looked on this sentence in positive way. Because who knows what will happen?
And here we go again… Sometimes I want to be wise and look back. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t repeat things that turned bad in the past. There were times when I actually thought that I do that. But to be honest…I don’t really. I remember. But I don’t look back. I a trying new things all over again. Because we have this life, only one life, and there is no point at just sitting here and thinking about the things we should and shouldn’t do again.
And something cracked again and all my thoughts turned into another way, like a broken machine when it starts to work again. Because I suddenly all wanted it. To go there and not think ‘what if’ not in positive nor negative way. I am going there. To win. To fight. To have a good time.
Because when I first failed on writing competition, I didn’t just quit. I went again, next year. And I failed again. And tried again.
And I have fallen down and I stood up. And again.
And I…fell in love. And this love got broken… An I loved again and again it went to waste. But…I didn’t quit. I love again.