It’s seemed nice to write something on my blog after three days. Last weeks I am kinda hanging between writing and not writing at all. I would say that I am kinda hanging between my feelings too.
Some changes came. Some changes that most of the people won’t ever notice. Even if they sometimes stop me and ask me not if I am okay, if I am tired or what is wrong. They just repeat one and same question all over:’Why are you sad Tara?’ And to be honest, I am not sad at all. Not really. I am more filled with melancholy.
Over past weeks I cleared up some things in my head and I can say that even in my sadness, I am calm. Because I am not angry on myself because I sometimes feel sad. I accept it.
Today Ananya wasn’t in school because she’s sick. And I was kinda alone, but it actually didn’t felt bad at all. Don’t understand me wrong; I love being with Ananya, she makes me forget on my problems many times. But today it just felt like I had to deal with what I feel and not hide behind anything. To not distract yourself with anything.
And I have to say that it made me feel somehow…better. Because I was just alone. And i was just watching people in my school on the streets, I watched their worried and busy steeps and I kept wandering what their story is.
Today we had art in school and I made an weird artwork, representing my feelings. I took all different kinds of color blue we have in school, water and white and I started to mix them and make new and new shades. And all this different colors that were all blue I have put on the paper. And I felt the every line I made with my brush.In the end it looked like wild rain falling on the window.
Today I felt different than yesterday. Today I felt…stronger.I am not sure how to explain it, but I feel like my thoughts that were pretty wild in sadness last two weeks finally became more…peaceful. Today I felt different. I woke up and I knew what happened and wave of sadness didn’t took my breath away.
I won’t gave up and I won’t let go, even if I at first didn’t wanted to chose that way. Because I felt like I can’t. There was this slight moment when I fell on my knees.
But you don’t die falling on your knees. You fall to catch your breath, right?