I seemed to be so empty. I seemed to be filled with darkness. Because every good thing seemed to be nothing in front of hole inside me. It was like a drip of water falling into thousand feet deep fountain. At first it seemed like it was here, but after I was listening to hear it land on the end and I didn’t, I felt like it never really existed.
After I wrote my last post I read it. And all at once it didn’t felt like just a little drip of water that faded. It felt like a river. It felt like a sea. It felt like a hurricane, flotting all over me all at once. And I cried. I finally cried.
And this was what I needed the most. Not to be told that it’s okay, it’s not. Not to try not to feel it. To try to feel it. And all the darkness and the emptiness transformed into a sadness with every single tear. Because wheat I needed was to face the sadness.
And my fists felt more free and I closed my eyes and I just breathed it out. I felt less heavy. It felt like armor of stones around my heart faded. It felt like freedom. Because crying is okay. It’s not an act of weakness. It’s expressing how you really feel. And it’s okay to express what you really feel too.
I feel hurt. I feel like I have scars invisible scars that most of the people cannot see. I feel like I am only hanging between what I am and what people know me for. But that’s okay. Because I kinda overcome it.
I feel hurt and I feel deceived. I feel bad because I believed in things that were never true. But I guess I said that a million times before. The problem is that I just don’t know what else to say. That I am happy? I am not. And I am not gonna say sorry.
It’s not that I don’t want to be happy or something stupid as that. Is that right now I cannot be. Yet. I won’t let go. I won’t ever let go. And I am not promising this to anyone else than myself.