Hi folks 🙂
I feel the need to write. I said that if I will, I will let you know with a blog post. So I am here. I haven’t written anything in 5 days, not on my blog. I have written several chapters for my novel and I enjoyed it very much.
Right now…i found things so hard.. Not really because of sadness or anger, more because of pain that follows. Sometimes when I was in school and all my screaming schoolmates were just to loud and none of the jokes and none of any other things did made sense I just went to bathroom and I locked myself away from the world.
My only happy place and time were spent on judo trainings. Because there is Summer and Jess and Amber and other people that just make me…calm. And I love them for that.
I had a rough moment I want to tell you about. It was two days ago when my family wasn’t home. And I’m not sure how it happened. I just remember that I was lying on the ground next t0 my bed and I was just crying.
And than I wasn’t only crying anymore. i was screaming. All the pain that felt impossible to explain was there and it went out and it come back again and again and again. There were just all my feelings, all my emotions there, all at one single moment.
And in one moment I punched the wall next to me.
But I didn’t punched it like I did it in the past. I didn’t punched it because of anger, because I would want something to punch instead of people i was angry on.
I punched it because of pain. Because I felt so much pain inside me that I wanted to make it less real. Because it seemed so much easier to feel pain on my skin than under it.
But when I realized what I am doing I stopped. Because I didn’t wanted my skin to reflect the sadness I felt. Not now. Not ever.Because I didn’t punched the wall to make my pain real. It already was. I didn’t punched wall for people to see and ask me what happened. I would lie anyway. I did it in a moment when I wasn’t thinking clear. In a moment when I was just to sad to think.
But there is another part of this story. After I stopped with hitting the wall, I was still lying on the ground. And I stopped screaming and there were just some silent tears coming from my eyes. But than my phone vibrated. I slowly stood up and checked it.
And it was from Leo. And he said:’Hi’
And than:’How are you?’
So I answered:’Just not okay.’
And he said:’Yes. Me too.’
Because I wasn’t okay.
And in the next moment I was a little better, just a little better, because he knew.