Today I had my last test before holidays. Oh yes, I am so happy that all this shit is over for some time, but I can’t let go of the thought how bad did it go.
I don’t understand. I was studying whole weekend and gave up all free hours I had this week for studying Chemistry I knew exactly nothing. In my country we have grades from 5(the best) and 1(bad bad bad). And to tell you honestly, it’s gonna be a miracle if I get 4. Or 3. Really, it know exactly nothing and I am not even gonna be surprised with 2, even 1.
I know that I underestimated myself many times, but this time this is just pure reality. Sadly. I couldn’t sleep at night. Again. And when I got my test I started to write and write all I knew. And at first I was writing hurry, but than less with every minute. Less and less and less. And than my pencil stopped. Because I couldn’t remember anything anymore. Anything.
But something was different. There wasn’t not one little tear coming down my cheeks as I would expect. Nope. I just rushed out of the classroom and I didn’t think about it , I didn’t think about it, or at least I tried not to. And I want not to care. But I do. I care about everything too much.
And it’s not only about this test. It’s about all school system. Education, at last in my country should be seen as something we have to be grateful for. We should be happy that we have it. But all this pressure, this stupid system that wants you to be perfect only makes all the students hate school. I think that at least in my country we accept sickness as a gift from gods. You know. Sick=no school, right? And I deny that my country is the only one with students that don’t want to study.
And there are other things, other reasons why I am angry. It never seems to be enough. I never see to be enough. I never seem to be enough to win in this game. Ah, I sometimes wish to not be so stubborn. But heck, I am. So I will try and I will punch back even if they kick me off thousands of times. And I can say that I am proud on my ‘never gave up’ spirit, because a lot of times it helps a lot. But sometimes it pushes me even more back, even more down.
I won’t be pathetic now. Yes sometimes things are paid back. But too many times they aren’t. Sometimes people don’t see how much time you gave for something. And than they don’t accept it. And your time is suddenly wasted. People don’t appreciate what you gave up for something. And it’s gone to waste. And many, too many times people don’t see how hard we try and than they wander why we cry. Isn’t it so. Life is so unfair.
Because I will try and try and try, even if I fail. We all will. And we will get back up and go trough hell again. For what?
Such a shame for this empty world full of empty things. Such a shame for unfairness. Shame for not making sense. But… I guess I stay because I haven’t seen the world with Summer. And I will. I just know that even if not now one day we will travel around the world and we’ll be gone for few years. And I guess I stay for my sister Loti. I feel like I have to guide her in this stupid world. And I guess I stay for Leo too. I haven’t kissed his face yet.
My head hurts. I am so tired. And it’s not tiredness that sleep can fix. It’s tiredness that only a lot of chocolate, hot bath, good book and music can fix. And even more food. Besides, Christmas is coming and New year and a looooot of food. And candles. And gifts. And many many good things. Hot chocolate. Warmness. Maybe even snow.