Hello folks 🙂
Lately, a lot was happening. So much things. So much pressure, so much stress and everything, everything, everything. And to be honest, I have enough. I am sick of telling the same things all over and over again. I worry a way to much about what will people think about me and my actions. Yes, I do. And in trying to cover that fact, in a need to find myself, I lost myself. Eventually.
But maybe the time came for me to change some things. Some things in my life. Some things on my blog. My blog has a new name. I wanted to change it for quite some time. but I never really came to it. But now I did it.
I also deleted many posts. I will delete some more. Why? Because it doesn’t feel right. It’s that perfectionist feeling. It’s not in order. It’s all messy and lost. Of course I’ll keep copies of deleted blog posts, because they matter, they are my feelings after all, my words, my emotions, my story.
And I am not sure how my blog will change. I am not sure how my writing will change, if it even will. But it feels like something cracked. And it feels like I have to start some things all over again. Without any special reasons.
I guess I really did got lost, didn’t I? I was so obsessed with the past, I was so obsessed with my future that I forgot to live right now, where I am. But I have to say that I am thankful that I finally realized that.
Because when I smiled and I laughed I realized that I can be happy with what I have too. And when I saw my family fighting I realized that yes, I can fall apart again and again. And when my hands start to shake I remember all the times when I lost my breath. And in my mind there is one of my fights from judo camp this week…I got a small injury and it hurt pretty much. But I didn’t stop with what I was doing and I knew that I am strong. And I know that I can hate, I can hate so badly, people who bullied me or ones who hurt my friends. But yet I know love. I know love from the way I hug my brother or warmness when two hands go together like puzzles.