Deep thoughts

I remember

Hello folks!

It’s the first day of new year.

So… Past year really was something. Something to forget. Something to remember. Both. I mean, so many things happened. Looking back, I nearly can’t believe how much things changed. And I can only wander how I will look back on this year when it will pass. That thoughts hold me. For once I am a little scared. But I am excited too.

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I could say that 2016 was full of pain and stress. Because heck, how could a human being forget on the times when it feels like they are falling apart.

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I remember how my head was hurting and I remember how I finally came home and I just fell on the floor and cried. I remember how naive I was to give my love to people who never gave it back. I remember how I broke and how I lost my breath, I remember how I punched walls.

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But I could also say that 2016 was beautiful. I could and I am saying it now, that it was happy too. I remember how Summer and me were pretending that we are unicorns. And this is just one of the most understandable and beautiful things in the world. Because I felt so weird and crazy and I knew that it’s nothing wrong with it. And because I know that I have great people by my side.

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I remember how I went to Bangkok and I lived the most unbelievable week of my life. I remember meeting new wonderful people. I remember happiness of my friends. I remember amazing food, dance into the late night. I remember flying in the air and feeling loved.

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I look back on judo camp I was on last week. It was like something has clicked. It was like all I wanted to do finally became reality. Because my body was in full contact with my mind and I felt so unstoppable. And I finally, finally did it. Without any anxiety. Without any fear. And people I was fighting were falling and I was standing. And even the third day when place around my ribs start to hurt pretty much, I was still trying and believeing; Doing my best.

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And I remember all the times when Ananya didn’t let me just go from school and walk around, I remember how she didn’t let me root while sitting by my desk trough brakes. I remember how she always pushed me out of sadness I was feeling. And I don’t really know how to thank her. Because she has done a lot. Maybe without knowing.

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At last… Here is Leo. Thank you for being one of those people who light me up. Thank you for that bus trip. Thank you for saying that you are sleepy and leaning your head on my shoulder. Thank you for saying that you are cold and gripping my hand. Thank you for saying that you feel warmer with it. Thank you for giving me something that one day, one day in the future may grow it something beautiful. Something people call love.

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And… Yes, it was hard. But yet, it was amazing. And I don’t know what awaits me. But we’ll see. And I wish you all the best. ❤

-Tara

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