I think that I might owe you something.I think that I owe you an explanation for some things.
At first, I wasn’t posting that much recently because I had just to much work to do. There was just so much of school work to do, so many judo trainings to go on, so many competitions to study for. It seems like I had so much to do, even more than in last months of last school year. But… I just seemed like I didn’t care that much about working all the time. I don’t know why. Maybe I just got used to it.
For once in my life I don’t feel like I can’t do it. For once, i don’t feel like I am the stupidest, the dumbest human being that walks(and stumbles) across the Earth. And maybe I know why. All my life I tried to convince myself that I am not dumb. And I tried so hard, I tried to bring confidence in my mind with writing, with studying, with judo and I don’t know what else. But on the beginning of this school year we had a meeting with our sport psychologist on judo. And he asked me if I think that I’m dumb. And for some moments I was silent. And I could just lie, because i can lie, I could just smile and say that I don’t. But I didn’t. I admitted the truth I always try so hard to hide; That yes, I do think that I’m stupid and dumb.
But Leo wrote my a story. And this story was about a girl named Tara. And just one simple sentence mentioned that Tara thought that she’s dumb. But it was also written that she wasn’t in every true. She just thought that she is. And I don’t know why, because I have been told that before. People said that I am not stupid before. But it felt like it convinced me. And I feel just…happier with myself.
I’m crazy. I’m a one true weirdo. I’ve never been focused, but last times I tried to watch how I act and I sometimes started to laugh(what made me look even more insane). Because I actually do look…well not so usual. Because not anymore, I don’t try to be nice, friendly, perfectly sane human being, because who the fuck even is? I don’t care if people look weird at how I act or what I wear. It’s my life not theirs.
I’m sad. I have some good things inside of me, but I am pretty much pathetic. But after all I am human being(such a sad fact) and I figured out that finding perfection is not purpose in this life, because perfection is pretty much…unreal. And you know, I am not sad for any special reason. I just realized that time doesn’t really wash away your pain. You just get used to it.
I seem outgoing and partly I am. But there is a part of me that loves darkness a way to much. or maybe now. Because why shouldn’t I love it? I love blackness of the night skies, I love being unseen in the early morning, I love candles, I love rain and storms. And oh yes, i talk to myself. Or more to people I created in my mind. I’m a dreamer. I see people and i have friends that other cannot see. So I am not alone in my loneliness.
I hate going to school. What’s saving me is the fact that only five months are left and than everything is over. I’ll go to high school and I’ll have a fresh start. I love the places I’ve never seen far more than ones I do. I want to see it all, I want to experience it all. I guess I’m just so curious. my teacher said today that rhetorical questions are a big part of my writing. And I guess again that I love to make questions, because I love to get lost in finding the answers.
Honestly, I feel happy only when I sing. Or when I draw. Or when I write. Or when I listen to the rain falling on the roof. Or when I joke with Summer because it feels like we understand each other. And wherever I talk to Leo. Don’t ask me why.
I don’t know exactly which way am I heading and which path am I picking. But I am just a teenager. I’m just a mad dreamer who wants to fly. I know what I want and right now this is far enough.