Deep thoughts

It

Hello folks. 🙂

So yesterday it was this blog’s 1st birthday. I can’t really imagine that a year turned since I created this blog, more in curiosity, without any serious plans to become a Word press blogger. But I’m glad that I did it. On one side it seems like I am blogging for thousands of years, because this blog kinda became my world. Sometimes it was the only thing I had. On the other side again, it seems like nothing, like it was yesterday.

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Trying is sometimes worth it, because even on this world we sometimes do get a prize for what we do. Sometimes we don’t again. But sometimes we do. If I wouldn’t write all those words all those posts, my blog wouldn’t be as it is. And BTW, we reached 600 followers two days ago. Thank you. 🙂

My dreams are coming true in front of my eyes, at last some of them. That makes me happy, that makes me feel excited and after quite some time you can find me jumping around and smiling for unknown reasons. And also, I was on that debate competition again and to be honest my team rocked. Now we are going to travel to Hanoi or Cape Town on next round.

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Something made me think that people mostly all hide something from the world, a weakness that they don’t want others to see. Weakness.

Beyond who I am and who I seem to be live words that were spoken out many times, yet they stayed. Because of anxiety I sometimes feel somehow marked. Because this anxiety sometimes crossed its limits. It got better though. No incidents from judo trainings repeated. I didn’t quite fell of my line when I couldn’t do it all, I learned how to keep my head cool. I never punched anyone out of un-contoled anger.

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There is a feeling when my phone starts to ring. I barely answer on my phone and if I do, you have to know that you are special to me and I trust you. Because just when I hear it ringing it sometimes drops me out of my sit. It makes me feel like this people will just start to yell at me and tell me about all the things that I’ve done wrong or just call me names. And it’s like that many times. When I go on a bus and I am unsure if my card is full or not. Or if a tourist on the street asks me where is a museum. Or if I just have to order food.

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How does anxiety feels like when it turns to panic? Well… It feels like you  at once can’t breath normally and all you think of is ‘oh shit shit shit not again’. And the world stops. It’s slaw, too fast, unheard and just so far away. All blurred. But I know how to deal with it. It’s never really gone. Sometimes it gets impossible to shout it away. But that’s okay. I know it probably won’t ever disappear.

I hate to cry. I hate to look weak. And I was so angry to be on the edge of the total chaos. A thing they call panic attack. I hate this word. Actually I hate it all, the anxiety, the panic attacks. I hate the fact that there is a world for it.

But the thing that actually do bothers me is that people don’t understand it. Many times, they don’t even try to. It makes me feel like I am divided from others because of it. It makes me feel like I am a moon walker, wandering around and always having a thin barrier of bulletproof glass that divides me from other, normal people.

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And those people can’t understand. Maybe if they would try to listen, they would hear what I want to say, like Summer did. Anxiety and panic attacks are not a fairy tale I made up in my mind. They are not something I imagined and created in head so people would notice me, because I want attention. It’s not an act and feeling of weak people. It’s not something I would ever ever wish for. And if you think that people who dare to speak up it and take it as something that is real are liars and too dramatic and if you think that people who sometimes couldn’t catch their breath are cowards than I can only say to you that you should be ashamed. Don’t ever judge people, especially if you don’t know how they feel. Don’t comment on things you don’t know about.

-Tara

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