I just wanted to say, that sometimes I can’t hold onto it anymore. Sometimes, I just brake down, because there is no other way to choose.
And it brakes my heart all over again when my dad starts to yell at me, saying that I am so mean and not nice, because I have to go down with my kilograms for judo competition. It brakes my heart when he says that if I don’t eat I should at least shut up.
And it brakes my heart when Ananya asks me why am I so sad and than she says that I make her sad too then. Like is something I don’t know.
It brakes my heart every time when I turn of the radio in the car, because I have to rst my brain from all the noise and my sister starts to yell how selfish I am.
And I get angry, I get angry on them and on myself, because I shout it inside so much. And I am angry constanly on someone, on myself, even when I smile, even when even I don’t know. It’s that weight around my heart that pushes me down and hurts me, till I am to tired, to sick of it to feel.
Because sometimes… Sometimes I have no power anymore, no strength to say anything. Sometimes i just give in, because I just don’t care. Sometimes My head hurts a way too much and my vision turns a way to blurry, so I could speak. So I just live on in my silence and watch the looks of wandering who the fuck am I.
So tell me;
How can I shout up with that much to say?
How can I smile with so much to carry?
How can I listen ti the others when I don’t even hear myself?
Those are the only thing I say. It sometimes makes them shut up.The saddest thing is that I love all of those people, Ananya, my dad, my sister. And it’s not them or me being bad. I guess we just don’t understand each other. Not enough.
But even for all of it… I have a judo competition tomorrow. You probably don’t know but I am competiting in a category under 16 years. Tomorrow, I’ll go on national championship for people to 18 years old. I will fight with girls who are all older than me, but that doesn’t really scare me. It doesn’t make me feel worried or stressed out. It makes me feel more confident. More sure, more orientated in what I want. It makes me feel like I want to go there any win this thing, even if it’s yet, impossible. But i don’t care. I’ll set myself on fire.
And I don’t know what drives me on. I don’t know what keeps me going. Is it my strange mind, wanting to show my pain that I am stronger? Is it the fact that I know that I am good enough? Is it the fact that I know that I’m not alone?
Because when I today walked out our changing room and Summer said after me that if I’ll need anything on tomorrow’s competition I can always text or call her. And I know that she will always be there for me. And when today Leo saw me crying he sand me a message that asked if he can do anything to make me feel better, he will do it. And Leo never shows up his feelings in words everyone else say, what makes it all a little bit more beautiful.
But today he did and maybe that’s what I needed the most.
Remember. I’m in love with you.
And I will always remember that. The fact that I am loved.