Right now I am lying on my bed and writing. I am partly listening to the beautiful rain falling on the roof and every piece of my body hurts. my legs, my arms, my back, my head. And inside of me? Hmmm… I could say that a few pretty complicated things are going on.
I was on important judo competition today. I am 14 years old but yesterday I went to fight on national championship for people under 18. And I’ve never been afraid to fight with people I lost thousand times before, with people that I know that are better than me. I always find it harder to fight the ones I beat up every time. Because fear of failure is what sometimes makes me go wrong. But if I fight with anyone I lost to before, I actually don’t feel a thing. I just go, because I know that i have nothing to lose, even if I don’t win.
On yesterday’s competition I wasn’t afraid, not for a second. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t stressed out about it, not for a bit. I just went up and I fought with all I have, all i have ever learned. Yet, I lost. I ended up 5th.
And what made me lose, wasn’t my head, because my mind wasn’t scared. What made me lose was my tiredness. The fact that I lost 3 kilograms for this competition over past week. The fact that last month was just so hard because of everything.
Am I disappointed? Yes, yes I am. The fact s that two weeks ago I fought with practically the same people and i ended up second. It was on my first competition with that older girls. And I was so proud, because i didn’t imagined that I can be that good. So yeah, no shit that I was disappointed.
But. I remember last year when I lost a fight for third place in a very stupid way, on kind important competition. And all I did was pity myself and think about how bad I am. And failure drove me down, so down, that I wanted to be gone.
But not this time. I am angry, I am angry as hell. But this anger makes me burn inside and not burn in despair. It makes me burn in will to go and to fight and train again and again and again. And I can’t wait till competition next weekend. I don’t care if I’ll be first, if I’ll be last. I just know that I will fight as I never did before.