Letters

Escapeless

Dear universes I will never know,

I love to read. I love to get lost in those stories because when I read I transport in one far away world and I find my escape from reality I sometimes have hard time staying in, well, actually many times. But books and stories are more than just an escape. They are knowledge. They give you a start, an opportunity to learn about the world, about people and yourself.  They make you wiser.

A while ago I read a short story that was actually really weird, really thinkable and really really good. It’s about a philosopher talking to the Death and philosopher gets a idea that there are as many universes as choices we have, in thoughts that we are only living in one of this realities in one of those universes probably counted in endless numbers.

And I found myself thinking about those things a lot, a lot, a lot. Because what if somewhere out there really are thousands of more Taras that are maybe writing a blog post or maybe not? I don’t know, because even if I can think of things like that I cannot be all of them. (Well, expect if my thoughts are a reality for itself too….)

But what I was really thinking about were those annoying ‘what ifs’. Because…there really are just some so small things that changed everything that I know. You know, when that stick was flying right into my head, if I would turn a second before I would be blind on my left eye now. But If I would turn second after I wouldn’t even need to go trough operation and I wouldn’t be wearing glasses now.

If I wouldn’t be so lonely ten years ago I would not grip Ananya’s hand… And I wouldn’t even know her any more as just my schoolmate. And you know, if that once I would shout the tears inside of me on that cold November evening I would never get to know Summer. And I would be alone, without this blog and kind of any understanding. True friendship.

There are so many consequences, such small invisible things that…made my reality, isn’t it so? In this universe I heard some words that weren’t meant to be heard, not for my ears… I was hurt by some knives that never meant to be knives. But I guess that sometimes, to some people I am a knife too. But isn’t everybody?

And there are some small small things that slowly made me forget that I sometimes want to leave this universe and all of you, the others. There are some people, some moments, some sentences that make me feel so relieved, so…happy. 

I remember that as I was little I was never pitying myself directly. Not at all. I was pitying myself in the ways I didn’t saw, I have put my tears between the lines of words in my head, in somewhere else’s reality. But not in mine. Because sometimes it felt so much better to be far away from all the suffer. And i also spent the good there. I go and I go away in my mind and not only in the other worlds I created, I also travel around my universe just a little bit back in time…

Oh yes, you really are monsters, aren’t you universes? You give people something and than you take it away. But…things turn around and around so quickly, in one second you want them to last forever and in other you just want the ‘delete’ bottom. But I guess that this is how it is, tight…? There is no point, I discovered that. And since than I am not afraid of oblivion, because I know it’s escapeless.

And I guess that…this is what you are all, ah universes? Just all so escapless… We, little mistakes, we can think of, you we can die going mad because of you, but nothing will change, because you don’t care. Because this is what we are…unimportant mistakes.

And gods, I hate all of you! But I cannot say that i don’t love you a little bit too. Because even though humanity could be just a possible option a mistake…sometimes we forget the hell you send on Earth, into our hearts, because sometimes we catch a little bt of heaven too.

And all over again you made to believe in this forever…even though it’s maybe not so far apart from nothing.

From Tara

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