I got a lot less sensitive. Because I don’t feel that rising pressure in my throat when my ‘friends’ say: Oh Tara, you’re so perfect…’ Because those words are the words I have to deal with every once in a while, every week or so.
You have such a perfect body.
You are so good at sports.
You are so good in school.
You have so perfect life.
And it doesn’t bother me that much anymore, those lines of people that did not and will not ever be able to understand me.
But I still hear echoes in my head, you know? I hear them when I draw, I hear them when I write… Because I feel guilty, for wanting some of my friends to be like me. And I think of it when all I want is to die, because this is where I wander if they would accept that part of me too?
On Friday I fell pretty hard on my shoulder on judo training. Yet, I didn’t say a word about it to m parents, because I was afraid of their reaction. And I was also scared that they wouldn’t let me go on competition that was yesterday. So I was quiet and I went there even though it hurt so much that I woke up in the middle of the night. When I showed my hand to my trainer next day on competition and she checked it it turned out to be well, a little bit more injured that I thought.
My trainer let me go compete only if I promised to fight only with the left side of my body(because my right arm is injured), to not catch myself on my hands if I fall and to give up if it will start to hurt.
So I promised.
But I was scared. Not because of my arm, not because of the pain. I was scared because I didn’t know if am able to hold this promises. Especially the giving-up one. And if not for Summer and Leo I don’t know how things would turn out. Because they talked to me and they didn’t left me to root there, all alone.
And inside my heart Summer and Leo are the only ones I can truly trust. Because I don’t have this wall surrounding me when I’m with them. With them I dare to do the most stupid things only I would do, with them I dare to cry when I’m sad. With them… I don’t feel like hiding myself. And I am not scared, I’m terrified to loose them.
But my heart always wanders…
Am I loosing Leo? And why do I always stick with rhetorical questions? It’s like I’m hiding form the answer.
Yes, yes I am… Maybe sometimes little spots would continue where other words cannot.
And when I was younger I believed that love always finds a way. But…reality just doesn’t always offer a happy endings, right? And there are some foolish things and some foolish people on our way. And that’s why I know… I might loose him.
And if I’ll loose him or anyone else because they wouldn’t be able to hold on longer, because world sometimes screws up… I wouldn’t be angry on them. And I partly would understand why-why they had to go.
But I didn’t lose Leo yet. And I’ll hope, I’ll just hope that I won’t.
Because I want to be with him…
Because inside my heart I want never to let go…
Because I know that even if I would want, I would never be able to…
Of his hand or just a thought of it.