It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it? Yeah…
To be honest, January and February have been a one crazy crazy ride. So much things happened, so much had to be done, so much was felt and thought about. I’ve been really busy with school and competitions in judo and some school subjects, plus a lot of marks and grades had to bet taken by teachers…
And what probably got me the most was constant fear of losing Leo. Literally, I’ve become obsessed with it. I kinda felt stupid about it, because before I always believed that I don’t need a boy to tell me that he loves me. And I wasn’t wrong, I can live without that. Easily. But yet, Leo is not just someone to tell me that he loves me. He is a lot of more. Kind of more I can’t really imagine to loose.
Because when night came down and I just closed eyes in my bed, fear kept me awake. It kept running trough my mind, it kept shaking my bones, it put me in annoying ‘what if’ sentences.
But I can sleep at night kinda well or so now, because I kinda…thought out of it. I believe in his words. I believe, because he never said he will never leave me, because in reality you never know. I know I can trust Leo, because he said that he hopes that we never come to a crossroad. And hope is real.
Out of this… I turned 15 today. Does it feel different than yesterday? No, it doesn’t. But I think that birthdays might be good thing to remember how far you have come and that you are loved, even if it’s yet, just another day.
I remember when I started to actually think about the world around me. I was 11 years old and we were writing an essay about love. Stupid that 11 years old have to write about love, is it? However, I remember thinking about that. But than i looked at the window. And it was light, light of the sun coming trough it and falling on my essay sheet, making all the dust on its way visible. So I wrote that love is like a light, even if I didn’t quite believed in that that time yet.
But love can be freaking light folks, no matter how cliche it is. I feel this light when Leo comes in our judo gym, every time with this same expression of his. I feel the light when he touches my hand…because it kinda feels like diving into a pool full of popcorn.
I live with anxiety. I am getting better though. I am overcoming it, step by step…yet it always stays. But I’m okay with it. Did you know that I sometimes go on balcony when it’s very cold so i start to shake? Well, this is how I’ve been practicing not-shaking.
And did you know that I sometimes secretly read books about philosophy? I think I haven’t told that to anyone yet, I’m not sure why. But you know it’s so interesting and it makes my brain do this buzzzzzz. It’s kind of excecrise. Kind of fun.
I’m going on high school in Fall and I kinda can’t wait. And than traveling with Summer awaits. And some moments with Leo. Maybe. I guess I hope…….. And I’ll keep reading books about philosophy, I’ll keep on wanting not to shake, I’ll keep on writing my book, I’ll keep on loving the sadness in rain…
And sometimes I will stare in silence, I know…but I’ll listen to my heartbeat.