Why can we love the ones we hate? I wouldn’t know. What does it mean to love someone you hate? Many things…at last mess. And some suffering. Do I know how does it feel. Oh yeah, I do.
I’m pretty sure that most of us can found ourselves and someone else in those words above. Some may see their lover in them. Some will see their crush. Some will see their friends. Some will see their families. I don’t know who do you see. But I see my friend.
I know her for eleven years and I still remember the first time I saw her. And I’m pretty sure that I will never forget that. Because that moment, that one look and my hand reaching out to her was what changed my fate.
It changed a lot on good. When she came to my life I was less lonely and my sadistic behavior got weaker. For once in my life, probably for the first time ever I felt like I am not alone. And I was happy.
Years pass. Colors fade. And people change. And so did I. To tell you honestly I am sick of most of people in my life. I partly hate them deep inside of me because of their acts. But mostly, I hate them because I grew into somewhere else. We grew apart. Far apart. We aren’t kids anymore. And now I can clearly see in how different directions we are turned.
But mostly there is just one person that I wanna run away from. Ananya. My best friend. Or so I thought.
There are tow sides of this story. One’s Ananya’s. To tell it straight, Ananya doesn’t have an easy life. The truth is that her life is filled with tragedies many adults haven’t faced. And things like that affect you. They transform you, change you.
And Ananya can be amazing person, trust me. She’s such a unique and creative person with strange sense of humor I adore. As everyone, she has her downs and mistakes. And I’m not saying that this bothers me. We aren’t perfect, I know that. What bothers me is that her imperfection is still enough for m to understand her and offer her friendship. But I just doesn’t go around so easily you know? She sees me as perfection. And my so called perfection is not expected to drop.
I stopped showing any kind of sadness and anger when she’s with me because she would say that my sadness makes her sad too. She wants me to go with her to city a lot, but I barely can, because I train everyday. And than she will say that I never take time for her. And what hurts me the most is when she looks in the mirror and says that she’s fat, which she isn’t. And than she starts moaning about how perfect my body is and how lucky I am to have it. But she doesn’t stop there, she goes on. She goes on with words about my perfect life, perfect family, perfect friends, perfect me. And for her, my life is all flowers. For her I am a pretty girl who gets got grades easily, the one people adore, the one who is good at singing drawing, writing and is also national champion in judo. Oh and to add more to this perfection I also have a boyfriend.
But that’s just so far away from the truth. My body isn’t fit because I would be just born with. It’s as it is because I train everyday. My family is sometimes such a mess. My parents fight a lot to be honest. I only think that the always make up because they have three kids. And studying is not a really easy thing for me. When I was in first grade my teacher told my mother that I could be dyslectic or ADHD. However, my parents took that just as bullshit of a stupid teacher. So I was rotting there, in that school. I was always the ‘naughty’ kid, because I just couldn’t shut up, sit still and be nice and lovely. My little brain didn’t understand Maths at all. But my wish for perfection drove me to the good grades. Because even if I need a lot of extra explanation to understand some things, I just won’t stop. And I never feel well-liked by people. I was bullied. Most of the school looks at me as a freak. And I am good at judo because I train, I train a lot. I don’t get the results I have with sitting around. And my drawing, writing and all the art are my escape of my twisted and sometimes insane and sadistic mind. And it wasn’t so easy in love too. I was hurt man times. But so what I have is now is a bless.
It’s not that she would like to hurt me on purpose. But what she’s doing is wrong. I am not a bulletproof machine made for perfection. I’m alive and breathing. And sometimes hurting. There’s a lot of more of me than it seems. And… If I wouldn’t get stuff like that from her I would trust her, probably in the way I trust Summer or Leo. But now I can’t. I am not gaining anything from this friendship anymore, only she does. Because when cry out and scream in hellish pain, does she do something? No she doesn’t. She thinks that its all fine and that will get over my tears in a few minutes.
And all this…
All this freaking shit….
Makes me want to run away fro Ananya. Because no matter how much I love her and the happy memories we have… I can’t. I can’t hold onto this any longer. I can’t pretend like this anymore. It’s hard to understand it but anxiety is painful. It’s struggle. I’s hell.
It’s rising. I wander when is it gonna explode. Because I feel it deep inside of my heart and my chest and throat are getting heavier and more and more sore.
I’ve been devoting myself. I’ve been acting and lying so terribly in order to protect Ananya from pain I will leave behind. Because I still have other people I love. I have Summer. I have Leo. But without me Ananya has no one.
But it’s slowly destroying me. I can feel how is my friendship and my mask slowly falling apart. My anxiety is rising again. But I am lucky this time, because I have Summer and Leo. I know that they will be there if anything bad happens.
And I finished elementary school today. It probably sounds strange, but in my country we have elementary school till we are 15. And today, the last day of my school year finally came. But Ananya will probably go on the same high school as me.
She isn’t sure if she’ll come in yet. But I am pretty sure that she will. And if we are gonna end up in the same class again… I don’t know. And I’ve become stressed and paranoid about it. I am so scared. I am so scared of what can happen if my devoting brakes.
My mind’s so twisted. I see and I feel some things I should not. I sometimes find it hard to divide my dreams and especially nightmares from reality. I over-think things. And I swear, deep inside my soul all this is just rotting. My love.
And this is my part of this story. Because Ananya is not the only one to blame for how I feel. A lot goes on me too. If I would be just a little bit normal I might talk about it. If I wouldn’t be so paranoid about things that are never gonna happen I would tell her what bothers me. If my anxiety wouldn’t be so high I might…do something. Because I want to. I want to change it. I want to change us. But I’m stuck.
I can’t stand it. So I will go. I will run, but I will run in the way that doesn’t throw all my devoting to waste. I will suffer, but I will end this. I’m leaving Ananya behind. But I am doing it in the most un-hramful way leaving can be for her. Because I know the feeling. It’s always hard to leave someone, but once you’ve done it your life gets better. It’s not always like that for the one behind it. I know it…being left behind is just…harder.
And for the sake of beautiful things she has done for me and for the happiness we share I will fade away. Out of her life. I will still be there and I will follow her, with ever step she takes. But as she treated me with silence, I will treat her with silence back. And I will see her, at first confused and than a bit angry… But I will also see her slowly move on. I will watch her as she gets new friends an creates brand new bonds, better than the one we have now. And I will follow her, till she smiles and laughs. With someone who isn’t me. I will be fading till that moment. But when it comes I will vanish.
It won’t be magical, like I was never there. She will remember me and she will realize I have left her behind. In the end, I will choose myself. Because I am brave enough to admit to myself that I’m happier without her. I wan to brake free. I need to. I have to start anew with all i have found inside of me. Good and bad.
There is a bunch lies I told. There is a long list of promises I will brake with that. But also, there are quiet goodbyes that will be expressed by me, gently. And this, all this is what I am choosing, willingly. In order to make a step forward, in a need to change. I will suffer. She will suffer even more. But we will survive. As we always do.
because you know, if you aren’t willing to give in anything, you can never change anything either.