Once I read a book and a character said that love can make you the strongest and yet the weakest person in the world. In the same time.
I have an judo exam in five days, because I want to get the first kyu (brown belt). It’s mostly the only thing I work for from when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night this week. But when I ‘m alone with Leo all my notes, all my worries, all my doubts, everything just falls far away, forgotten.
Because here’s the thing. Like today, I could just stay with Leo and just study the color of his eyes hours, days, maybe years. I wouldn’t even need to say anything. Sometimes just the way you look at someone tells everything you feel.
It’s kind of scary. Sometimes it’s like being put under a curse that over time changes into a spell. Because my curse is a way to loved to be a curse. Because as you probably did, I heard people talking about true love. And honestly, back than I didn’t really give a shit about anything like ‘true love’. I thought that I don’t need this cliche things that only exist in fairy tales.
But heck. It’s not all about fairy tales. The truth is, ‘happily ever after’ isn’t always the thing. It never is. But magic is real anyway.
And now I know that after you meet someone so special, someone so different, they become a part of you. And if you loose them, you can never bee the same again, because they are gone and the pieces of them are still living inside of you. Which means you can’t really move on in all cases.
I remember one moment, two years ago. I was in a pretty much unhappy relationship back than, believing that it was happy. It was on judo competition and I won. I remember that I also got a cup because I was chosen as the best female competitor or something. But that didn’t…you know, break my ice or calm my fire. Because I was lost and sad, trying to fit into a box of perfection. So I started drawing. Than, my boyfriend (now an ex) came to look at what was I doing. All he said was that he totally can’t draw. And then, another boy showed up. He was obviously younger than me, one of those kids form my club I’ve never meet. He just came and calmly said if he can get a piece of paper.
I still have that old Leo’s drawing on a wall above my bed. I didn’t know why but there was something about this boy who drew so beautifully, something about him that attracted me. Sometimes that made me think about him. Who was he? Why did he like drawing? Why didn’t he want to keep the picture he made? It made me wander. But in a day I forgot about him.
Till that moment. Till the time when everything was turned around, new and totally different. Till so much later, as I fell in love with him. Only now I remember the things I forgot.
You don’t fall in love one the first sight. I don’t believe in that. I believe that you can sense some sort of attraction for someone as I did back then. But love is something else. Maybe this word is sometimes to big. Or maybe again, its’ not. But the true love, the magical one is when you’ve seen this person’s darkest side. When you’ve meet their demons and their deepest horrors. When their darkness is perfect for you.
But love is double-sided knife. It can give you the most power and it can hurt you and leave you as you bleed to your death. Even if it’s accidentally. It’s dangerous. It’s full of risks. But still, it’s too good to be left. It’s worth all the dangers and risks.
Believe in love. I know that it’s scary, but if you aren’t at last a little scared it’s nothing. It’s normal to be, because who isn’t afraid to lose someone they can’t live without. And it’s the same when it comes to crushes. If you wouldn’t be scared then it wouldn’t matter right? Love is unexpected. It comes form the most unexpected people…at the most unexpected time.
And you know what, Leo actually really hurt me once. Accidentlly. It was the times when he was with someone else, but I already felt myself falling for him. And I described my pain in waves. It came, bringing me on my knees, screaming and left emptiness and numbness.
But if I would have to go trough all that again, nor-knowing how it will end, I would do it all over again.
It’s beloved curse right?