I don’t believe in fate. The thing is, I don’t think there is a special reason behind our exsitance. It seems to me to be just a coincidence. Even though, I have to admit that I do believe in short of an irony in this world. Somehow bad things happen, then some better come. And the other way around. Nothing is really made to last forever.
Yesterday I passed an important judo exam and now I have brown belt which is just one before the black belt. I feel very happy about it and I’m still a little surprised about it. The point is… This year, this season something changed. Looking back I never thought about judo as something else then hobby, but now… it’s not like that anymore.
I think my thinking like that started one year ago when a guy form my club who is so much stronger than fought me. When we ended our fight he said to me that I could be very good at judo. I didn’t know what he meant so he said that he thinks that I could be good on a very big competitions. I though he was joking so I started laughing. Literally. But when I laughed he looked at me with kind of disappointment in his eyes. He said tat he actually mean what he said. And then he went away.
I tried to ignore it, but here I am anyway, with a brand new dream that I am afraid to dream because it will most likely lead to disappointment. It feels like if I would said it out loud, people would only laugh. But I want to try. I want to give this dream at last a chance, because if I don’t, I just know I would never forgive myself.
It’s funny how a part of me wants to train and train and train, move move and move, be stronger, be better, be quicker and make years pass. I want to go ahead to face the path I am choosing in order to at last try to look my dream in the eyes. But also, I don’t want all this to pass. All that’s here now.
I don’t want to loose anyone form the group I am in at my judo club. Some are jokers, some are idiots, some are just weirdos. But I love to be a art of this funny group you know. There’s something about it that makes me feel like home, more than my own house. And I don’t want for things to change I don’t want us to train, go on competitions and then watch how we slowly slip apart, year after year, step after step, everyone starting to go away in order to catch what they are attached to.
But if I like it or not, this is what it will happen. Some will go. Some will stay. But it will never be the same. And once, we will fall apart.
The only thing I can do is not to think about it too much and enjoy the times we have now so I can tell stories about it when I am grey and old. All I can do is make memories till can. And when the time I love passes, not only me, but all of us just have to accept it and be happy that it ever was.
I know that Leo probably won’t train judo so long as I am planning to. He will go too and he won’t be there on training and competitions as I am used to. Because I only know, some things are too good, to bright, too magical to just last forever. You know, the irony. If I want Leo I will have to fight. I will have to fight to keep him alongside my dreams. I will use all my pieces inside of me he fixed and be strong. To never let it go.
It took me long and a bunch of thinking but I think I’ve finally decided. I will train and I will try to win all the fights I can. My results rose this year. And I will try my best to keep them rising. there’s a fire burning inside of me, not a fire of rage, more a fire of a need to give it a chance. I need to do it so I can live on calmly. I want to. Because impossible or not, something inside of me keeps repeating the words of that guy. Believing in them.
I will rise with my fire. I will fight for my dreams and I will fight for Leo. Because those are two loves of my life. I can loose, but who knows, I can also win. So I have to fight. Maybe this was what I was the most born to do.