I don’t know what I’m going to write today. Honestly I started writing a blog post quite a few times in the past week. Somehow, I didn’t publish anything from what I’ve written.
I want to be different. I want to be strong.
That’s what I said. That’s what I’m still saying. A part of me is heading towards that. I dyed my hair again today, it’s orange now. I started writing fanfiction again and it feels like I’ve finally done something productive. After a really long time, I started playing guitar again.
And once again, I was singing. Once again I realized how much I love singing and that I’m actually good at it. Thinking that I’ve already left singing behind makes me kind of sad, even though I know that it’s the truth.
So I have this new friend that is my classmate. She’s actually the one who got me into K-pop. One day we were listening to Agust D’s So far away. And this friend of mine said that this song is really sad to her. She said that it’s sad to her, because the song talks about wanting to do something, but not knowing what. She said that it’s sad, because she doesn’t really have any dreams.
I’m the exact opposite.
I want to do so many things in my life. I have already found so much things that I enjoy. But hell, life is life and you can’t be a singer and an athlete in the same time, can you? Sadly, that’s the reality.
Around one year ago Leo asked me a very selfish, cliche question. He asked me a stupid question I can understand so well. He asked me a question, every human would ask at some point.
He asked me if I had no other choice, would I choose my dreams or him.
I said him. Of course I did. I still don’t know if I lied or not.
But since that time this bond Leo and me have has changed. It changed a lot. It grew. The truth is we are far apart. We are far apart because we both have really busy schedules. I literally come home form judo training, study till 10am and then I sleep because I’m so goddamn tired. And most of the weekends I have competitions anyway.
Someone once asked me when are we going to brake up.
The point is, if we were to brake up, we would do so long time ago.
Another thing is, we aren’t even together, none of us is stupid or blind. We are simply two people who fell in love and couldn’t be together. We are simply lost souls who still believe that a day will come when we will finally be together.
Now, that sounds like we have no chance. But actually, we will see that day. Maybe not soon, but we will. I don’t think anyone can believe me at this point. For once, I believe myself.
Many times I asked myself if that change in our schedules is a thing that makes me so depressed. But it’s not. Maybe it’s a small factor, but nothing more. It seems like I’m strangling myself, it feels like my heart is going to suffocate from within. I feel conflicted, because I’m like this. I have no reason to be ruined the way I’m ruined. But here I am anyways. Here I am, the who had everything, yet nothing.
I thought, is that Tara who looks savage and mean, but is actually just shy and awkward really me? Is the one who burns with rage, the one who never stops, the one who works till everything is perfect the true me?
Or am I this person who really hates herself? Am I that part of me who wishes to die?
I guess I’m still Tara. I guess I’m still the first one. I’m still this person who wants to be on the top, I’m still this one who eats too much cakes, I’m still the one who writes poems during Maths. The other things are just shadows making it hard to see myself.
Since I can’t see Leo much I’ve found another thing that really comforts me. And it’s music. Before I never knew the real power of music. I didn’t know how much can it mean to, you how much can it make you sad or happy. Honestly, I’m so glad I discovered K-pop.
The thing is, I don’t love BTS, Seventeen, EXO, BIGBANG, WINNER, DAY6 , Epik High and many other just because they are handsome and because they are funny. The main reason for my love for K-pop is the music itself. I think anyone who has seen lyrics of Agust D’s The Last can agree with me.
Sometimes my thoughts burn in my head and sometimes I start shaking and crying. At those times…At those times I somehow pick up my earphones and blast the music the loudest I can, even if it’s 4am.
And I can cry with Spring day because it reminds me of Leo and how much I miss him. And I can face reality with If you do, it makes me think of Ananya. I think of Summer when I listen to Butterfly. I listen to Best of me when I want to remember that I am loved. I listen to Nevermind when I really want to give up.
Music makes me feel a lot of less lonely. I think of other people with different stories but alike struggles. I think of all the people seeking comfort in the lyrics, just like I do.
This night I was siting in my bed at 2am, staring at the darkness surrounding me. Somehow it felt so familiar. I felt safe in this darkest night. I thought, where was the last moment when I feared the darkness?
I couldn’t remember.