Deep thoughts

Loser

At some point

I started looking at the ground more then the sky

It’s hard even to breathe

I hold out my hand, but no one holds it

I’m a loser, loner

A coward who pretends to be tough

A mean delinquent

In the mirror,

You’re just a loser

 

BIGBANG – Loser

 

I’ve been crying a lot lately.

At times I felt like a crybaby and I wouldn’t want to cry, I would refuse to cry in my stubborn wish to look brave. Like most of people.

But things changed. There were times when I only cried in front of my friends, when I couldn’t hold myself together anymore. I never cried alone. It was like I was ashamed in front of myself. Somehow, I’m my greatest critic and I can’t stand myself being weak. That’s why I never cried alone.

Now I cry alone. Now I only cry when I’m alone.

I’m not so fierce anymore, but in the same time, I’m not so afraid anymore. I am not afraid of myself when I talk to myself. I just talk and talk and there’s no one to hear me, except the walls, refusing to accept my words, replying to me with echoes. I’m not afraid of the darkness surrounding me, because it’s already my home. It’s just a familiar sadness, that isn’t sadness at all, that I already got used to.

Epik high quotes

And most of the time, I’m numb and I don’t give a shit about anything at all. I go on with another failed Maths test even though I studied very hard. I’m not even upset about it and it feels like maybe, maybe I should cry, because I am not good enough yet again, but somehow, I am not sad at all. Somehow I get trough another judo fight when I was powerless and try my best to take the best out of it, even if there was nothing. Somehow I still hold onto memories that are no longer reality.

Is it just because I’ve been disappointed so many times? Do you really get used to such things?

I had two panic attacks last night. The good thing about is that my sister is on holidays, so there was no one there to hear me losing my breath. I thought of how much time goes to waste when I talk to myself, because honestly, I can do it for hours. I thought of an psychological experiment I made up half a year ago. I thought how my mother finally said it out loud:

“Yes Tara, you do have dyslexia.”

I though about my own thoughts, I thought that I’m actually pretty intelligent, but in the same time, so so so dumb, stupid and useless. I thought of an moment when someone wanted to take a look at my sketch book, but I refused, saying:

“You’ll just think I’m crazy.”

Like I am not.

The point is, everyone can fuck off!!!

And I started choking on all those thoughts, because it makes me so goddamn lonely when I think about how fucking crazy I am.Maybe I could laugh about it or cry my heart out because of it- whatever the case, in every way it’s just everything form my existance exploding because of the existance itself.

And I think I stopped crying and suffocating when I was so tired that I passed out. Maybe this night will be just the same. Maybe the night after won’t change either. Maybe, things will never change. But I’ll keep suffering trough those nights with every day new, yet old hope, believing that it’s my last time like this. because that’s all I got. If you want it or not, in the end all you got is hope and a wish for a change…

Epik high quotes

So throw it at me, all those nights, all those tears, all those fucked-up smiles, all those times when I failed, all those times when my weakness won over me. Just come, i don’t care. I’ll face everything that will want to fight me.

✘sᴛʏʟᴇ ɪɴᴘɪʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ✘

I’m just a loser who wishes greatness. I’m just a loser who craves love. I’m just a loser that will keep on failing and being a loser till they aren’t a loser anymore. Even if I am in the end, just the same.

-Tara

Image result for flower petals gif

Listen to Amazing BIGBANG’s song that inspired the title of this post here.

2 thoughts on “Loser

  1. Tara, I know that the words that I’m about to say won’t mean a lot to you, nothing is wrong if they don’t; but still, as your best friend I feel obligiated to say this- maybe you are a loner, maybe. I, too, often feel like no one will catch my arm if I fall, that no one sees the dead blank space in my eyes when I smile, that I’m alone even tho I’m sorrounded by people that love me. Because it’s not about loving and about the number of your friends. It’s about truely understanding; but since we all are so different, there aren’t many times when we feel understood. So yes, maybe you are a loner. BUT. YOU AREN’T A LOSER. It doesn’t make you a loser if you fall and fail. It doesn’t make you a loser if you need help. And it doesn’t make you a loser if you crave love. It makes you human, and it makes you smart and brave because you know yourself and you keep pushing yourself even tho you’ve experienced so much pain in the past because of that. I know that when you read the previous sentence, you thought to yourself that then you must be foolish: no, you aren’t foolish. You are an old, wise soul, even tho you act like child or alien aka V sometimes. But that makes you even more amazing, not foolish. You know that by experiencing things even if it’s hard and painful, it will help you to launch yourself even further and higher; because you are a worrior not a loser.

    (I’m most certain that I wrote most of the word incorrectly.)

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  2. I can fully relate,i am a strong person but this month and the past month i definitely cried a lot more… and funnily enough it was obviously because of school and my dad and stress and i hate it and i am stubborn as anything too so i like it hold it in and show my retaliation to not break infront of the ‘enemy’ but when i’m alone it all comes out and i sit for hours feeling like i want to get away and never come back and it sucks but then there somehow comes a good and it might be the smallest good thing ever that could happen like seeing a smily kid on the street and it makes me happy again and to want to succeed in life until the next knock down!
    Stay strong and try find the little tiiny GOODS
    because they keep you going
    its most of the time when you cant even find a little tiny good that people fall off the edge. and it you really cannot find one i will make sure to leave you a little bit of ‘good’ here on your blog every day if you want ❤
    sareena 🙂
    http://www.theallofitblog.wordpress.com

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