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That once

Beware: This post might be pretty cheesy!

But sometimes it’s the most cliche things that are the most true things, the most pure things in the world.

Isn’t it so?

Because there is nothing more painful then loving someone you can’t have.

Okay, maybe there is one thing more painful. It’s the person loving you back, but you are still unable to be together. That’s the most cruel thing the world, the universe, life or maybe fate I don’t believe in, has ever put up upon me.

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I watch the ground with still puffy eyes from sleep, as I walk the same path, once again. There’s wind hitting my cheeks, making me feel cold. There’s sand under my feet, little, little bits of the world that never mattered, just like none of us did. All those lost pieces, put together into something bigger, making them unrecognizable.

There’s music, blasting trough my brain. There are people laughing, even though it’s only 7:18 am.

 

And I’m never alone, but I’m always lonely.

Because you are always with me, but we are never together.

 

And maybe this sounds like exactly the same. Praise to ones who see the opposites. People aren’t what they seem to be. In the same time they are exactly as they are, just misunderstood. The same is with words. And with numbers. It has a meaning if you believe it has one. If you don’t… then it’s just a waste of space.

In it’s origin, every heart is foolish. But no heart that has ever loved till pain has stayed young. And maybe that’s why I feel so old sometimes?All I desire now is a simple love story. A simple love story without distance, without envy of other people, without crazy obsessive ex-es, without all those people hating us.

Because why do people hate on love? I really don’t understand, why isn’t it enough that we are happy? Why can’t we be happy because of all of them? Because out love might be bigger then all of their words are, but that doesn’t fully heal the damage, you know.

Loving someone to the point where their sadness becomes yours sadness is dangerous. It’s dangerous for a pretty obvious reason. Is it worth the danger? Absolutely.

Because due to the bad state of my mental health I sometimes want to un-love. I think I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you anymore, I have never loved you and I feel nothing nothing nothing.

But then again I remember how we dived deep into the water, to the world invisible to other, to the world, a opposite reality where only we existed. And I remember how you held me so goddamn close and how my chin perfectly fitted onto your shoulder while we were hugging. I remember you, running your fingers over my forehead, cheeks, chin and lips. And  remember exactly how warm your hand feels in mine, which is so cold.

And when I think I this, i realize all over, once again,

I can never un-love you.

I can never just say that I don’t love you anymore. Because maybe this is one game that I can’t play. And maybe this is a movie, but I can’t contend. And I can’t pretend, I can’t retake my lies.

 

And my love is not that love, that young love that is constantly lost in thoughts of you. Because no, we are so far from that already baby. My love is not a wander of ifs and maybes. My only reason to hate you is the fact that you are so far away. Maybe that’s why I will never leave you.

Love from a Distance | Magritte

And maybe I shouldn’t smile when I think of you. Maybe I shouldn’t because I miss you and it makes me lonely, sad, upset, angry and frustrated. But after everything you are still the reason I smile.I’m so afraid to lose you, because at some point we are still wishing. Wishing that once… That once. Will it ever come?

Because in the end, we share the same reason.

 

 

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