And in the end, I am fearless

Hello folks.

I just read From Heroes of Olympus series: The Son of Neptune and in it someone said:’I am afraid.’ And than one of the main characters, Percy Jackson said back:’Everyone is.’ Yeah, folks, today I am going to write about my fears. All of them.

It maybe sounds…weird? Stupid? Well maybe. Because at last, I am gonna share my worst nightmares whit people I don’t know in person. But I trust you guys, I do, you became one of my best friends, my other family. Even if I haven’t ever seen your faces. I do trust you, I know that you won’t judge by my fears.

Also, I believe that all our fears, everything, that it’s simply making us scared need to be told out. Because this is realizing your fears, this is looking into their eyes. And if you look at them, they became smaller, even if only for a little. Talking about fears, even little is a lot. Some people would maybe see hiding fears as an act of bravery. But that isn’t bravery.

Talking about bravery, I would like to introduce you my first fear: Fear of being afraid. I allreday talked about that, right? Whatever.That fear maybe sounds…. exalted? I know that a lot of main characters from books and movies used to say that, but no, I didn’t took that from them, believe me or not. Well, it actually did began whit a book. Harry Potter. He was shorted to Gryffindor, where used to be the brave ones. And simply, I just became obssesed whit trying to be the brave one. I was scared(and I sometimes still am) that i am not brave enough. I wanted to be fearless. As I said, I still am afraid of being afraid, sometimes… I still sometimes think that people would think that I am coward… But not so many times as I used to in the past. I am growing over this fear.

Let’s move on. The fact is that I am afraid of depth water. I had that fear since I was a kid. I was constantly thinking that the shark will came or a monster and ate me. I know that it wouldn’t(because here are no sharks OR monsters in Slovenia and Croatia’s seas), but nothing didn’t help.  When I was little there had to be an adult to swim whit me, or, I didn’t wanted into water(you are allowed to laugh, I won’t judge you). Over years, it became totally opposite. You know I love snorkeling and diving. And maybe this, this fear could be a reason why I at once loved to be underwater so much I am also planning to have a diving licence, because right now I am to young and I want to dive deep, very deep to. Because there is something in me that wants me to face this fear. Because world underwater is one of the most beautiful things ever. It isn’t scary, not at all.

Next fear is  fear of losing control. That probably came from perfectionist inside me. Ya know about that… When i  don’t have everything under control, everything tidy, orderly and so on… Well, trow p my room is simply something you don’t wanna do, because you’ll probably die in next 24 hours. Here you go, that’ actually a good example, because when my room isn’t clean I get really, really angry what means mad and you don’t wanna see me mad, believe me. But being mad it’s not the only implication  that losing control brings to me. It also bring panic. If you are reading my blog you probably know that I am kinda panic person and in my past I was even facing stuff called panic attacks. The thing is that if situation that is really important to me goes in a wrong way, not in the way I wanted, imagined, I would panic. And panic is one of the worst feelings, ever. That’s why I am  afraid of that. Because of it  implications.

Fear of failure. Oh my gods, I can’t believe that I am returning to this. Okay, I… I don’t wanna talk about it right now, okay? Have you read ‘My story’ ? You maybe know that… that I have failed. And because of this fail, just one fail, that shouldn’t mean anything today. It wasn’t a fail that should cost me the world. But I saw it as a big fail and I made myself think that I am alive, walking failure. But that just wasn’t true. I wasn’t ever a failure. Not ever. I mean would totally failure be able to write exactly 138 blog post on wordpress? Probably no. As you see I now know that I am not a failure. But I am afraid to fail, I mean who wouldn’t be if this would be a cause of…of changing everything? You know, one fail took away man thing away from me. It marked me. It changed me. And no one, not even a superhero is able to forget the biggest pain he ever felt.

For lot of time I didn’t know that I am afraid that my loved ones(friends/family) will leave me. You know story from my childhood when I was lonely and I was bullied…. Okay you know. This fear probably comes from that. I am afraid that one day, I would came in school and my friends will ignore me. I a afraid that…that people I love will leave me. I don’t wanna stay alone. Not ever again.

Okay. Now. My two biggest fears. I spent lot of time wondering witch one is more scary to me. I think that this two are kinda on the same level. One is a fear, known to every person. Fear of losing people you love. I mean, who isn’t afraid of that? Maybe Voldemort, but that was only because he hasn’t love anyone. But every being who had felt love, also felt fear. Fear of losing.

The second of ‘two of my biggest fears’. If you are reading my blog for quite some time you will say:’I knew it’, and if you didn’t you will probably say something like:’Seriously? Are you kidding me Tara? Really?’. But that’s me. I am really, really afraid of oblivion.(And no, I am not faking my biggest fear by Augustus Waters, I have been afraid of oblivion long before I read The Fault in our stars).

(even if here is a pic of him. he is just so good example.)

And yes, yes, yes. I do fear oblivion, I can’t hide it, I can’t say that I don’t because this would be totally, simply, A LIE. And no matter how wise I get(witch I am not, but it doesn’t really matter right now), I am just afraid of it. No matter if you tell me that once, everything will be gone, that one day here won’t be anyone left to remember, me ore you or us. I am…just afraid of it.

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I am asking again(sorry), have you read Divergent? If you didn’t some people there are able to go to their fearland to face their fears. There was a guy(Tobias, yes) who was obssesed whit his fearland and he was constantly going into it, because he wanted to be fearless. And than the main heroine(Yea, Tris) said to him that no one is perfect. He realized that you can’t be whitout fears, it’s in human nature to be scared and afraid sometimes. And that even if you win over one fear, there will be a new coming. Fear is unbeatable.

Do you remember what was my first fear?  ‘Fear of being afraid’? Now, I ask myself:’failuWhy do I love diving if I am afraid of depth water? Why am I thinking about how everything will be forgotten one day if I am afraid of oblivion? Why am I taking risks, if I am afraid of failure?‘ Maybe is because I am afraid of being afraid. Because I so wanna be whitout fears, like Tobias. Maybe. Or maybe not. It could be only because I know that we can fight fear and we can defeat it, but it always comes back in a new way. Maybe I am trying to learn to live whit fear. I don’t… really know. It so comlicated and conected all around that my head hurts when I am thinking about it.

But what I do know after that looooooong post, that being fearless is not living whitout fear. Being fearless is living whit fear. Accepting it as a part of our life.

And I didn’t wanted to share my fears whit you to make you think that I am totally brave or heroic or some familiar blablabalbalablah. No. It just feel good to breath whit less fear. Because(I am repeating) if we talk about fear we make it weaker. I am just wandering…(yeah, again)…. What are your fears? Do you wanna share them? Are you afraid of depth water or oblivion too? What do you think fear even is, why is it here and what do word fearless mean to you? Tell me in comments and thank you for reading this 1494 words long post! I love you folks ❤

-Tara